And Then I Am Falling

I let myself drench completely in the rain….

Knowing that I can never… ever own it…

I let myself melt in her love….

Knowing that I can never own her…

Every human, in general, confronts confusion at some point in time in any way. But I am living with confusion from the very minute of my birth. So much confusion that after some years slowly, I came to terms with it and together we are living in peace. Strange isn’t it? I found peace in confusion, peace in pain and pleasure in this wandering for some answer. But after all those years of so-called ‘peaceful struggle’ one fine day when I saw her…

All those fruitless dreams of finding purpose…

All those years of emptiness…

All those days of confusion…

All those nights of war against myself…

Embraced me like rain…

I suddenly started to feel peace. For the first time, I feel content. Like the turmoil that I underwent all those years in search of lost pieces of my true soul has finally ended when I found out those final pieces of my soul’s jigsaw puzzle in her soul. She is on her way to the clinic and she is holding a little girl… probably to drop her at the school or she might be taking her for a checkup at her clinic or treatment may be or an orphan whom she might be taking care of as she isn’t her mother. Is she?! Oh god!! My mind is playing with my heart. An innocent heart is easy to get seduced. But the heart’s always right. That girl is not her daughter but her little sister which I found out later. I sighed with relief even though I don’t know why. All I can say is that I have fallen to her many times…

For the first time, I saw her on our first day at school….

Again I saw her dancing innocently and blushing in a video on her social networking site…

And again and again….. On every day when I see her all I could manage to remember is her eyes and smile…. And then I am falling…

Every time I fall, the story starts all over again but with different background, indifferent tunes…. All over again…

I hate to fall for her so easily again and again….

But I love falling for her….

I hate to repeat the same story but maybe some stories are worth repeating…  And then I am falling….

We do speak to each other sometimes. Like every day during our schooling and even when we are in pursuit of our respective careers. Even years are quick hours with her. So I crave for more, always…  Once in a while, when we come across to each other she finds me or rather catches me seeing her and then she smiles. Whenever she smiles my heart skips a beat…. She’s killing you dammit!!! My mind protested. But the heart glows with pride. It is strange that when we have feelings for someone we find pride in our helplessness. Maybe it is part of human genetic coding…

To fall…to fail… to give up…and to be guilty

All these days I have been taking the side of my heart against its battle with my mind. I don’t know why but one day it cheated on me. It made me take this bold step. It wants to end my longing…

On a rainy day when the sky is crying fore-handedly, we came across each other near the library in our street. She caught me seeing her and threw a smile on my face and in return I shouted “I love you too.”

What!? She astonished.

“You are an idiot…” my mind decided helplessly.

I gathered courage and allowed my heart to take over me. As I always believe that it already knows what I want.

I don’t believe in the words I love you…

But if they are meant for you then they value more than my life…

I thought of saying lots of things…

But at this moment, all those words and all my demons are melting in your love…

I am falling for you again and again…

You might hate me, even I did…. But those are the most wonderful moments of my life…

I love you against all odds…

I love you beyond all evens…

I love you more than the meaning of those words…

I love you more than I loved you….

You will always be the galaxy for my heart to shine like a star…

I don’t know how I spoke to them but know she knew me. I have shown her my feelings… maybe my weak side… maybe my vulnerability…. But I did it… so be it…

Even I didn’t recognize this to happen… but it happened… so let be it….

 We stood there without speaking for some seconds or minutes maybe. Rain is creating melancholic music with its aroma and tip-tapings. Cold embraced us. She rubbed her hands for warmth and broke the silence. “I will never ask why. I understand that even you don’t know-how. You must be feeling relief. It’s hard to let out emotions but it’s painful to tame them. Once we let them out we will feel content. You are at peace now.

“Oh god!” My heart and mind screamed, “she knows you.” 

“So listen now. I don’t know whether we are compatible with each other or I can complete your story. But… ”

I am carrying broken glass pieces like my heart with bruises all over my soul… will you still love me?

I have scars all over my past as a curse…

I carry demons in my mind that can ruin our night….

I might be mad; I might shut you out completely. Will you still love me?

My soul is still a virgin. No one had ever touched it. Its cage might be too strong for you too…

What if I say that love doesn’t deserve us together….. Will you still love me??

“Wow” I screamed silently along with my heart and mind. She let me in her past simply.  It’s simply great. I felt proud of her. She has shown me her weak and strong sides.

We embraced our past

We touched each other’s soul

We lost our virginity at that moment…. Together

I suddenly felt as if the weather is playing a romantic song now. Even she must have felt the same way as her cheeks turned pink. Sorry about that but men can never fail to observe some things at any point in time. Now my heart & mind are laughing together. Again she broke the silence but this time by walking back.

“I love you too “I shouted after some seconds. I fell for her again.  This time my heart and mind declared that we are idiots. Collectively, totally and completely….

Hours turned into days…

We came across each other and as always she catches me seeing her.

Sometimes at the apartment, we live…

Sometimes on the road…

But every time in silence…

Every time I fall for her….

Time must have inspired from the silences of our distance and is busy in writing another love story in its history and as most other unknown love stories around the universe even ours might not be known by this world.

Days turned into weeks….

On a cloudy day, we came across each other, again. But this time on the road, in a fight against a part of the society.

“Some part of the society gave up hope,

 Some part of the society lost belief in itself,

Some part of the society is still burning silently, in the fire of its helplessness towards its development… both physically and emotionally.” To our bad luck those some parts form the predominant percentage in every country.

But like many other great souls, even she is not giving up. She has seen a woman with torn off clothes and not-so-clean anatomy, begging the passersby. Her anger rose when she saw some people disrespecting that poor soul and when a random girl was about to hit carelessly with her motorcycle then she spurted in a cat like temper. She stopped people around her and spoke to her heart’s content. Her heart is craving for radical change; care and fondness towards fellow beings. And then she came to her senses and realized that she can never change who don’t want to. She stopped herself and angrily clutched that woman’s hand and started to walk away from the crowd. People watch, people complain but people will never respond. This made her angry. But who knows… like many revolutions, her anger out of helplessness might produce another one… only time can reveal that. I have never seen a goddess do war, but now I am seeing one.

Those words that she spoke to the crowd are still echoing in me but then when she is passing by me… I don’t know why…. But I fell for her again… I saw her smiling…

In the years that are yet to come…

In the nights that are yet to unfold…

And for the rest of my life…. I will carry your smile on my face…

Is this the end to my unknown quest??

Or a beginning to a new story…

Are we becoming one??

I don’t know… but yes….

I saw your smile….

I tattooed it on my heart of yours….

Epilogue:  we heard a lot of epics & sagas. But best stories are still unheard…. Unfolded… somewhere they got silenced by our mere satisfaction. But great stories are still to come…. To be written by hearts… hear with your hearts… 

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