Out of place, plans, and purpose

It’s uncomfortable. It’s awkward. It’s foreign — to live in a world built by people with connections, plans, and a purpose and to possess none.

I’ve found myself out of place in every room, and every conversation I’ve walked into. It’s a self-inflected alienating feeling to smile, nod, and pretend to understand the sense of belonging the person sitting afore you have. You’re calculating every move and watching yourself plan that smile and time that laugh from the other side of the glass.
You’re out of place, and it’s uncomfortable.

I’ve had my tongue-tied every time a close friend or a distant aunt asks me what my plans for the future are. My answers are dipped in unjustified certainty with a hint of amplifying my plans for the present. The truth is, I have neither a sense of the future nor any control over the present. All I understand is the unsurety in what I’m doing, and whether I’m doing it right.
You’ve asked me what my plans are, and now it’s awkward.

I’ve had my mind fill up with envy and admiration as I watch humans choose a direction and stride towards their goals with purpose. I can’t fathom the comfort of knowing what awaits me at the finish line. To me, it’s foreign.

On my best days, I’ve found myself a half-baked plan and a blurry road.

On my worst day, I’m out of place, plans, and purpose.

It took a few good shows and some uncomfortable, awkward, foreign emotions to know that these concepts are not mandatory to exist.

The world’s best-kept secrets are what I treat as reminders on my worst days.

Reminder 1: You don’t need to belong.
Reminder 2: You don’t need to have a plan.
Reminder 3: You don’t need to have a purpose.

If you’re out of place, plans, and/or a purpose — live one day at a time.

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