By Prasanna . Sunkara
Everything was calm around me the cool breeze , the greens , sunlight ,plain music all of them seem to be in place giving that very peace of mind .But, all of a sudden I felt some inconvenience over my body for a span of five minutes which is of course physically more than that . I then realized I was having cramps in my stomach. And it may sound bad but yeah I need to take a pregnancy test and that thought in my mind right here have given me the very big goose bumps because …
----DREAM NAMES----
I am a graduate and very much of independent mind and almost had many desires towards life. Due to my health conditions I came to know that I could never conceive, but I always dreamt of children names together with my partner and we named as Rishi and Rishitha. I was in relation with him at about two years which is so cool , happy and simply lovely .
One fine day it was just normal and pleasant like the other but I had this strange pain , felt nauseous all over and that day is the day of truth and shock that I was pregnant, it was a shock because it was unexpected and we just don’t know what to do? How to react even.
---WRONG STEP---
Our families weren’t aware of our relation it’s not that about frightening to tell them it’s just that we are not in a position to take the responsibility financially of the future child due to our career, family issues and we felt that we couldn’t give the best to the one who is coming out of disgust and severe thinking we finally have planned for a medical termination which is so unfortunate.
But I always wished that I could carry it with me , due to my health condition my partner took that decision for us together . even though he was in sorrow he didn’t even spell a word about it in times thinking that I couldn’t get over it . then later on I was under medication I began feeling something terrible inside me and noticed a burst feeling. I was bleeding for days and was totally set after a week
---THE PAIN---
There up on I have consulted the doctor but unfortunately I couldn’t get it out. I have seen in the CT scan my little one still and I was literally in tears and just felt I want it back but in meanwhile the doctor said the connection blood supply to it is stopped because of the medication and it had no life . I couldn’t take the words at all because it’s just like that in that very condition just because of me and I couldn’t bare that .But I should get that handled because my condition wasn’t good and my partner was trying to sooth me as he is worried about me that very moment .
---DETACHED BOND YET ATTACHED---
I was again given the second set of medications and I literally felt a lot of pain for days and nights I then realized it was the pain which I gave to my little one and it still doesn’t want to get detached from me so, that is the reason I am baring this mental and physical pain. I felt my mistake was horrible so the pain is getting multiplied.
Even after all these years the physical pain may be back then but the mental trauma is carried along with me. I always think of assuming my children faces (yeah it’s two of them ). I stopped someone’s life on to the earth I don’t have that right but I did that at one point stooping the life of evolution destroyed my future as well
DONOT take unwanted steps, if you feel to cover them up for sure you should remember that you are gonna carry a lifelong burden . Never stop one’s journey.
By Prasanna . Sunkara
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