Carnivals

By Shruti Mehta

Nine Novembers ago

I spent my days at carnivals,

The summers sublime and the winters whimsical

My hands grasped the tickets

Like my life depended on them

Riding the ferris wheel

Made me think I could fly

And touch the

Cotton candy couloured sky

And the carousels convinced me

That life was nothing but

An endless train of magical moments

Butterflies fluttered around

My stomach and the summer air, while

Ice lollies painted my tongue blue

It was impressive,

The vigour with which

I attempted to escape

The house of mirrors,

Laughing at the sight of my infinite identities,

Each with exubarant steps

And stunning smiles

The twinkle in my eyes

Was brighter than any star that ever shined,

As my hand clutched my newly won toy.

The rollercoasters emptied my stomach

Only to fill it with joy

Fast enough to only hear the wind

And the laughter from a hundred hearts like mine

Nine Novembers have passed and

My days now are not the same, to say the least

The summers soulless and the winters wistful

The white walls have trapped me

In every way possible. And the barred windows

Let nothing and no one in

I know drawing the curtains is killing me

Again and again

But fluorescent lights have accompanied me

Like a destructive but faithful friend

So now I owe them my mind

Black eyes staring at the whites of the ceiling

My thoughts, cynical and self sabotaging

Find a way to penetrate the vaccum

And kill every other sound

They’re faster than any rollercoaster,

And they spin round and round

More times than the carousel ever did,

Leaving me nauseous

In the same shut room

I know of no butterflies, only storms

And my tongue has only known blue

The ghost of my soul slogs in my shoes

I want the ferris wheel

To make my problems small

And my world beautiful

I want a Sunday that stays forevermore

Empty hands are painful,

And so I try to catch smoke

With my bare hands,

Just for a chance to hold something

I have infinite identities

And I know none of them.

By Shruti Mehta