Expectations

By V M Amudha Yazhini

Dear diary,

         It’s been so long since I wrote something here. There are a lot of things I left out. There are a lot of things I wanted to write but never did, simply because either I was busy or lazy. But today I want to share something that I pondered on about for so long.

         Years ago, even eating a small piece of candy was enough to cheer me up. Back then, i lived by one principle; something to look forward to everyday. I had my eye on a drawing kit that I desperately wanted. My parents wouldn’t buy it for me. I had a trick of telling my mom what I wanted indirectly. I knew what it was but I would still ask my mom, “what’s that “and my mom would reply “a Rubik’s cube, dear” following which I would politely ask if I could have it so I can know better. It worked for a while until the drawing kit. My mom caught on to me. She ignored my desire for the drawing kit. I would look forward every day, hoping I would have it in my hands. One day, I did get it.

         After that day, there was nothing more to look forward to everyday. As the excitement faded away so did my affection for the thing that I wanted for so long. Initially i would care for it like it was a baby and then I threw it out of the house.

        After that I realized, I needed something to look forward to, but I didn’t have anything that time. The days just went by a blur, nothing seemed special.

But one day, I tried coffee and decided to drink it every evening. I made it something that I can look forward to everyday. I became addicted though so much so that I drank coffee four times in one day. It wasn’t good for my health so i slowly stopped drinking it. Honestly, I didn’t entirely stop it, but hopefully enough. I would still drink five cups of coffee in one day if you offered me.

As I grew older, I became depressed. Nothing excited me anymore. The weight of responsibilities clouded my mind and overtook it. I was thinking of writing my last diary entry just a few years back. I didn’t though. If I learned one thing from my past self, that’s as life goes further, my needs go further as well. I just needed something better to look forward to in each day, like my mom’s smile when she says “here’s your coffee” which is actually more precious than the coffee, when my dad jokes about our family, when my friend waits for me in the hallway and when I can sleep again at the end of the day. These are moments that happen every day which I didn’t notice until now. These are the things that I would obviously overlook as a child because I was genuinely happy to just exist. These are the things that I should be expecting now. I will be looking forward to these things forever, to keep myself happy, to keep myself moving. I might fail in the future but these things will forever remind me that things will not stay the same and that there will always be something that’s good in my life, something worth surviving for, something worth living for.

By V M Amudha Yazhini