By Sristy Sharma (Vnée)
I cannot say I am naive, because I do understand. I cannot say I am innocent, because I am aware. I cannot say I am not guilty, because I do know. But I also cannot say I am sorry, because I am not. These trifles and vanity is all I have got to even feel a sliver of your being. These pitiful excuses are all I have to mask your absence. And most importantly, these illusions are the only reflection of yours who will probably ever bear with me.
And so I can say, I am very anxious. Not afraid, or worried, but anxious, because it is more vague, and I am not sure.
You see, I know. The day when we meet, I will choose myself. Even if it has been years since I started imagining us. Even though it might be years of these dreams until we meet. I will choose myself.
You will have to prove yourself. You will have to justify yourself. You will have to defend my vanity, imaginations, dreams, and illusions of all these years. You will have to reassure me that I was not wrong to imagine us. I really am this wonderful person I imagine, and you are irrevocably in love with me.
You will have to promise me eternity, peace, and joy, while I list trials, obstacles, and reality of our times.
You will have to hold my hand, and ask for it, while I rebuke you for not being polite enough.
You will have to kiss me, with my consent, while I reprimand you for your impulse.
You will have to protect us while I try to sabotage our union.
Ridiculous right? It must be, for you, it is not, for me. I am fighting today against everything to imagine us. I am defying myself today, so that one day we may stand together. I am crying my hopelessness today, so that one day I can simply hide in your arms. I am living all the worse and worsts today, so that one day it really seems plausible. I will be a crazy person by the time we meet. You must love her and show it to me. Because when you fight, it will be ridiculous, but when I am fighting, it is crazy. If I go to a shrink, they will be delighted. Even though only for a while, as I have no money.
I imagine you at my side. I turn to you and hold conversations. I make you make mistakes and come back to me with guilt and repent. I make myself react stubbornly and cry my love for you in your arms ultimately. I make you fight my demons, and I imagine myself spinning for you exemplary solutions. I am at your side most maturely and good naturedly. I imagine you walking along with me. You are always respectful and always smitten. But you are always frustrated and determined to make me yours. You are wild and caring and my biggest rival in the guise of friendship. You are my lessons and you are my teacher. But I also coddle you at times as the feminine you always craved. We play-fight all the time and banters are our conversations. We hold each other while ensuring a space for each other. You let me be me and I pride myself for encouraging your escapades. We are loyal and desperate and find each other every day.
You see, this is why it would not be ridiculous for me. Because I would have been doing your duties for eternity. Do you know; I always tell you that I prayed for you, I wished for you, and I manifested you. And you, you deny my claims outrightly, "I don't believe you. You are not such a person."
But I am.
I am a hopeless romantic. I have always been one. The day I discovered the new feelings, since then. The day we get together, till then. The day we are old and happy and together, even then.
By Sristy Sharma (Vnée)
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