I Am Important. Look At Me

By Isheta Singh

I like to think that God exists.

Sometimes wondering about that, almost drives me crazy, but I am nothing if not infuriatingly adamant at wrong times.

I am bipolar too.

That also, I realised late in life.

I mean sometimes I fantasise at night that it would have been a thousand times better if maybe I had died heroically in an over complicated scenario , saving a bunch of people from a burning building or a bunch of puppies from drowning or something. Because any kind of respectable death would have been better than carrying this brain riddled with a plethora of maddening psychological issues, which against all odds, don’t kill you , rather keep you perfectly sane all the freaking time.

Anyways, I am wandering away from the topic.

So, tell me, is it possible for anyone to absolutely hate and actually love someone at the same time.

What?

No?

You are saying it’s not possible for humans?

Then BAM!

I just proved the existence of God!

Because he/she has been doing exactly that since the beginning of time.

I don’t know when exactly I understood this concept of a supreme, all-pervading power presiding over us, but I like to vehemently argue with someone who disagrees with me.

That’s another one of my issues.

Does that makes me a little bit sociopath , I don’t know.

Do I think being an actual sociopath gives one a stature of being superior and slightly exotic than others, maybe.

Would I love standing out, yes.

Anything to give me leverage over all the other peasants.

But I am actually different, believe me.

Although I might have ruined my chances of convincing you of that.

Maybe you think I am too boisterous, and full of myself.

I don’t care if you think that.

I do, but I won’t let it be apparent.

I just did, I guess.

Anyways, I again got distracted.

Back to the topic.

By the way, at one time in my life I used to think I might have been send on Earth by God just to gratify the mankind.

And I cry buckets when I have to go through a breakup.

You getting me yet?

So if you were to ask me point blank whether I am religious or not, I would say I am more spiritual than religious.

I believe in God, but not in ,constantly, incessantly knocking at his/her door to make them aware of my presence and see how needy and miserable I am.

One can strongly argue that if there is God overseeing us, why in the name of him/her is there so much misery in the world, why

doesn’t God intervenes when people fight or kill each other or any war occurs. I mean certainly not all people deserve that, some could be - if not totally, atleast partially- innocent.

And I agree.

Seriously, I don’t have any convincing counter argument for that.

Just that- the idea that there is no God and everything is random and you don’t get judged by your deeds, just by some heartless unpredictable algorithm , disturbs me even more.

I become terrified.

And I absolutely abhor that.

You know I don’t mind the idea of mass extinctions, every few decades, as divine punishment to prove God’s justice against atrocities performed by humans.

But , not if those punitive measures even touched an a fraction of me, Because if I in any come in range of that, I will run so fast to the satan to pray for my precious life in exchange for a lifelong- and in some cases , especially Faustian ones - my eternity long servitude to him/her.

But I love God too.

Because I want to be safe, when either side prevails.

And I know, God being omniscient , is reading this too, in real time, that I am offering my services to both good and the bad.

But God is nothing, if not forgiving.

And what even is God going to do?

I already am a nutcase.

Is God going to make me better, as some sort of revenge pray ( tried making a joke here and it felt flat. On paper. Literally).

Serves me right for dissing God.

And I am ranting again.

Where was I?

Yes, I like to believe God exists and I like to believe free will exists too, as contradictory as these two ideas seem.

I don’t believe that we are all working under the influence of some snooty algorithm.

That we can’t take decisions of our own.

I think God gave us body and a brain to make it function.

One time I used a dating app, ended up talking to 5 people and was at one time, pretty sure that at least I would get one meaningful relationship out of it, won’t be alone anymore,and life would be blissful.

But none of them worked out.

Not even a single one.

Do u think, if there had been no God but just some menacing algorithm commandeering us, I wouldn’t have procured even one serious someone and be living my “happily ever after” right now?

And not venting out on this piece of paper and denying the existence of “unfree” will.

No.

No self respecting, heavy supercomputer would have let that happen.

Take that atheists !

God is here and will take care of me , eventually.

Wait.

What was the point I was trying to make?

Anyways, I will wrap it up now.

I don’t want to end up in some delightfully cushiony room with some weirdo in white coat judging me.

I judge me myself.

So even if you felt bitterness or sarcasm in my writing, let me put your doubts to rest.

I truly do believe in God, with all my heart.

Despite the contradictory evidences or delectable counter arguments.

I think I would have been living a nasty and meaningless life if there wasn’t a God.

Chances of an unstable person like me, succumbing to this ,difficult world , would be astronomically huge, if not for my unwavering belief system.

It makes me happy, it makes me delirious with hope.

Justice, for sure, would be served one day and everyone who has ever been mean or dismissive to me would be struck by lightning.

The end .

By Isheta Singh