By Deeksha Chandra
It was the day I asked you if you'd ever come back? And you said you won't. You said you needed change and I could feel the endless possibilities you envisioned right in that moment. I repeated your answer hoping in the deepest crevices of my heart that what I heard wasn't what you actually meant. But you said it as easy as it could ever sound, like you stated an age old fact that had no scope for doubt or question, like a string of words that could only end in a full stop.
In that moment, I felt something break inside. It was like a mini earthquake in the shambles of my heart somewhere. It was but a minor shock wave in the grounds that shook just a pillar of my mighty sky scraper of a soul. Just a shaken pillar while everything else stood. It was seemingly small on the scales but alarmingly noticeable. In that moment, the wings of
my thoughts took me to the airport, and dropped me into the second right before you are leaving. And I have nothing to say. I have tears welled up waiting for my permission to let the barriers down but I hold back. I see myself waiting for you to turn to me when you are done with your goodbyes with others in priority. Oh I am not even going down the priority list, I wouldn't want my other pillars to tremble too. You have a plain, unembellished goodbye for me. And I hold back,yet again, the immensity of my thoughts and feelings. I say goodbye, too. The only difference being, my goodbye held the latent kgs of unexpressed emotions, litres of tears, cartons of unsaid words and truckloads of pain. It's strange how we look at just the face value of a word which is nothing but a facade.
I don't know how to let you know that I feel
it might be the last time I ever see you. I am puzzled wondering if every kilometer you travel afar, I am going to lose a tiny piece of you. I already know I am going to repent letting go off this moment immensely in the years to come. Because no matter what I say, I am sure to fall short of what I intend to express. I want to take a minute off, purely to look at your imbecile face. And I want to hug you, maybe for the first and last time, and steal a quarter of the warmth of your presence while you are still here. Maybe, a tear or two would
somehow wriggle out through the barriers then, leaving little marks on your shirt, the marks that will fade away and you probably wouldn't even know, adding conveniently to the list of things that I wouldn't say and you clearly wouldn't know.
I'd be trying so hard to gather all that I can
of you in that moment because I know how bad the memories would haunt me and how desperately I would want to go back to them. To the drives and beer, to the food I ate and leftovers you nibbled, to the songs we heard and laughs we shared, to every little mundane thing we did.
But I know for sure I'd walk away before it's time for you to board. Because watching you walk away would just testify the fact that you are actually leaving, it would traumatically break through my delusion and I don't want it to hit me in the face. I'd rather have it seep in with every passing day than have it all in one go.
So yeah, I'd walk away and I dare not look back. I'd keep walking till I am out and I'd probably drive back.
had all of it play in my head right when you said it, when you said you won't come
back. I remember the song that was playing because I lowered down the volume to make sure I heard correctly, I remember the part of the road we were driving at and I remember I looked at you while you drove on and you didn't notice. I looked at you and maybe I began to gather my pieces already, maybe I just put in the first thing into the box of everything I'd be holding back. I looked at you and I hoped you'd change your mind. And then I realised we were still on a drive, catching up,laughing and talking. And I kept all of it aside for the day it would actually happen. I looked at you again and I smiled.
24 November 2021
By Deeksha Chandra
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