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Meri Gudia Ke Liye Ek Gudia

By Graheet Shenoy



Abbu?... What does haram mean?


Acha look!… look… what maa bought me yesterday… I’ve been pestarring for a doll for more than a year now.. begging her also... bhaijaan tells me I have irritated her so much she was inches away from throwing me out of the house! Then when… I asked her, she said she would never do something like that.

I believe her.

She said “Jaana, how can I ever throw my ‘jigar ka tukda' out? Zayan bhayya is just pulling your leg like always… usko me batati hu... badmaash! ” and then she took bhayya by his hand and gave him nicely on the shoulders, I felt happy, I WASS sad that he got punished because of me… but why does he always make fun of me and pullmyleg like that? So I was happy, even zayan bhayya was smiling at the end… so it's all okay.


Ohhhhh... would you look at 'Piu'? She is soooo beautiful, isn’t she abbu?... her perfect golden hair. It's so shiny. I know. Her pretty skin. She should thank me for that. I have to take good care of her every minute for her to look that pretty… and because of that she has so many princes that are sooo much in love with her. They want to take her to their palace and marry her and take care of her like a queen, because she is the most beautiful princess in the whole world. That's how beautiful princesses are cared… they are respected and loved because they are pretty. Nafisa tells me everything about princesses and dolls. She knows everything abbu, how to brush their hair, what clothes to put on which days. That's all she always talks about.


You know… abbu? Nafisa and I fought…very badly that day…

she started it…

I swear… not me…

It was her…

I didn't want to sit quiet when she was being mean to me.

Maa always says that we should never back down when we know in our heart we are right. So I bit her. It made a red mark and she cried. Naani pulled us away and complained ammi about me.


Abbu, can I ask you something?


Why can't princesses ever go out of their houses?

Why are they always hidden in towers or paalakee or heavy dresses in the movies?


Naani told ammi I should never be allowed to go out.


Do you really think princesses are happy? Abbu? When they are locked in everyday? I don't think they are. I would never be happy if I am not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to go out to play on Mondays or Tuesdays or Wednesdays or Fridays and I'm only sad those days. When I go out I'm always happy.


I don't know how Nafisa never comes out to play.


I don't even know why we fought abbu… I don't like playing with dolls very much… but Nafisa does and naani doesn't let me play with Rakesh bhaiiya and Firoz bhaiyya because they are big boys so I have to play with her and her stupid dolls.

Abbu I just wanted to see it for a minute. I would give it back later. But she snached it away and started fighting.


She said "You can never take care of dolls, you will turn them into a boy just like you."


I was fyurias abbu… That is why I wanted piu. I wanted to show Nafisa that I too can take good care of dolls. And make them look prettier than hers.


And now piu will be the most perfect princess ever. More prettier than her guddi.


She will be perfect. I know it… because she is not like me.

She never fights with anyone and she is aaalways good with everybodyyyy.

She obeys her motherrrr… good girls always obey elders.

She listens to eeeevery word… aaa-nd…

aand…

She is NEVER sent to the 'dark room'. Because she is not always up to something… like me.

And she is always sooo sooo beautiful and she'll always be like that even when she gets very very old. She'll be the most prettiest human beeng in the whole universe. And because she is so pretty everyone will love her. Yeah… like naani loves Nafisa.


Abbu…



Do you think naani will like me if I become pretty?


-


'Sunday-time is family-time'. Ammi always forces us all to go out together. I am never in the mood but then we have lots of fun. We go to films and have kala khatta everytime and then we go to the fair and play parks and everything. It is awesome. I actually heard the name 'piu' in a movie we went to on 'sunday time - family time.'


Sunday time - family time is the best. I secretly wait for it whole week. But the problem is, Sunday is the only day I am allowed to play outside and build sand forts because Sunday is the only day bhaiyya doesn't go out with his friends and can join me.


You know? bhaiiyya actually doesn't like to play with me? He told me once... but he still plays. He said that's because he knows I like it. That is why even if we are not in the mood for Sunday time - family time, we still go. Because ammi likes it.


"Stop your nagging and just come out, ammi wants us to go, so we'll go… don't be such a crybaby" bhaiyya says and always drags me away from my fort.


So I go. Or else he'll step on my fort.


We always go in a rickshaw and while coming back we race the moon. All rickshaws have lightings at night. It makes everyone's head look pink and blue.


Have I told you the poo poo story? Abbu?...


Oh my god… it's sooo funny. One day on Sunday time - family time, a bird made poo poo on baiyya's shoulders. He was so angry… you should've seen him… I laughed so much my stomach started hurting and I couldn't breathe. Ammi told me the bird is called peejan… I said it's because it does peepee on people and everyone laughed.


We saw the peejan at a park. We always go there after watching a movie. We play so much there… and we are outside for hours. Then ammi drags us home. She says I'll get tanned if I play too long in the sun.


Abbu, tanned means getting dark.


I think that's why Nafisa's parents never let her out of the house. Because she will get tanned. So we always have to play inside… always.


Abbu…


Why is it so important to be pretty?...


Being pretty feels so boring abbu… I don't want that. I want to go out. I love playing football outside with Rakesh bhaiiya, climbing trees, eating mangoes, scaring birds - peejans.


Abbu did you know peejans are getting small? Maa told me. She said they are shrinking . When she was a little girl like me, naanu used to take her to the same park it still has that broken see-saw… from which I fell that day? Remember? I told you. Bhaiyya kicked that see-saw back because it hurt me?


Naanu used to take maa there to feed the peejans and play with them in the same park we go on Sunday-time family-time. And there were like hundred peejans then. But now there are only two - three peejans left and even they are dying. Ammijaan says it's because of us human beengs. Because we are selfish and we do not take care of things around us and never respect anything.


Maa made us promise that day that we look after Scotch better and feed him properly and take him out daily, because all animals are our friends, dogs especially.


Abbu I have to go down for dinner and help maa, but I will be back soon. You stay here okay? Don't go anywhere.





-


Abbu, look… I took bhaiiyyas pakora and ran up as fast as I could.


I know I shouldn't do that. It is naughty. But why does he lie to ammi about me? Piu stole bhaiyya's pens and threw it outside the window abbu, because bhai always pulls her hair… I didn't do it, swear it's piu and it's piu who wets the bed everyday... not me. I promise it's her and she said she is sorry and that she'll never do it again… promise.


NEVER again.


Ammi started scolding me like always all because of bhaiyya… so I took his pakoras and ran up… I have closed the door, he can never get in. He eats a lot of pakoras and candies anyway and ammi never scolds him.


That day too… in the interval, I went to the loo with maa and while coming back, I saw a candy jar uuupp on the rack. It was full to the neck with those white coconut candies that sharma uncle always gives me. But when I asked ammi to buy me one, she said NO and did not get me anything…


Abbu why can't I eat candies? and Zayan bhayya can? It's so not fair.


He goes with Rakesh bhaiiyya to play… he eats more sweets than me… he is always out… Ammi never tells him anything… You know? she scolded me so bad… and said that I get stomach ache whenever I eat candies… but I DON'T… she also said I’m a bad girl… but I'M NOT and told me good girls behave and do as they are told. And bad girls get punished and sent to the 'dark room'.


Abbu, why would someone make the dark room only to punish little kids? Shouldn't they take good care of them insted? Aren't kids sapostu be protected and taught with love? Like I do for piu. I love Piu and take care of her. Even Piu makes mistakes sometimes, but I never scold her and send her to the dark room.

When piu does something bad, I tell her it's okay and explain her with love to not repeat it again, she doesn't repeat it. She listens to me.


Like I listened.

In the dark room…


When maa and naani took me there, I behaved abbu. It was very scary and there was no light and it hurt a lot but still I was a good girl and did not be naughty at all… I did everything maa told me. I promise abbu… I am your acha bacha. Don't believe what ammi says. I promise I will always be your acha bacha.


Ammi was very angry with me… she started staring at me with biggg eyes and holded my both hands tightly and told me she would slap me and leave me there with that aunty If I cry… But abbu that lady was so big and scary… I didn't want to cry but I was very scared abbu.


Naanijaan and ammi had told me that there was a little girl like me and that we were all going to her birthday party. They told me there would be a lot of sweets and jalebi in that place they were taking me to… you know how much I like jalebis, they are my favorett … round-round and big, sweet c-rup… I can easily eat like eighty of them in one go. But I don't like the ones that are soggy soggy, they are yucky… I only like the crispy and golden color ones. They are purfect. I bet I can eat those all day.


But when we reached there abbu… There was no party there at all, they lied.! They lied about everything and sent me to that stinky room.

Why do elders lie so much abbu? Lying is bad and each time we lie we lose a tooth, don't you know that? That's how I lost mine. Because I lied.


Ammi lied to me that day too when I had stomach ache, she told me we are going to watch a movie and then took me to sharma uncle. He gave me a big injecshun that was bigger than my whole arm. It was paining so much the whole day. I don't like him, he always gives me injecshuns. I don't like ammi too, she always lies to me.


There was no sweets they promised abbu... not even one.


No girl! No birthday! Nothing!


It was all a lie.


They are all naanijaans friends and I was thrown there to punish me. I have seen them come to our home many times doing gossip with naani, over a plate of samosas and tea.


Abbu I wish you were here with me. You would never lie to me… Abbu… and you would never punish me. You would never let others hurt me like ammi did. And you would take me away from here… from all this home…


Wouldn't you?... abbu?


I don't like anybody here… ammi always lies… and zayan bhayya always troubles me… and naani keeps telling everyone that I am a naughty girl and all her friends laugh at me… maa also doesn't stop them… I don't like her now… she is not my no.1 favorett person anymore.


Abbu where ARE you?

... I miss you so much…


Naani scolds me when I talk to you like this… tells me everyone will call me pagal if I do that. And that nobody will do nika with me. I don't care, I always tell her I'll just marry you.


You'll marry me... won't you? abbu?


-


In the dark room… all I did was think of you abbu… I thought of how brave you were in the war… ammi has told me all the stories… I thought of you the whole time I was there. How you would have never cried… how you would always be strong… so I tried to be strong abbu…so I tried to not cry and not shout but it was impossible. I promise I tried to be your acha bacha and not cry abbu… I promise…


But there were a lot of people there… and they told me to lay down. I couldn't find ammi and asked for her. Two women started forcing me and holded my hands… they removed my underwear, I was very scared… ammi had told me before going there, that if I behaved properly... she would buy me anything I ask. So I stayed and did everything they told me to do.


I first thought they were trying to give me injecshun but I didn't have stomach ache. But then I remembered sometimes when Sharma uncle gives me a big injecshun he also gives me my favorett candy. So I closed my eyes holded the bed table tightly and waited.


Abbu do you know what I do when I am scared a lot? Okay… so I always close my eyes…

Like this…

and imagine ammi and I are in a lift…


So I closed my eyes there too…


Ammi and I were in a lift and it started to go up. The lift started shaking and I was friytened. And my heart beat got fast… but ammi holded my hand and pulled me like she does everytime without fail whenever we get into a lift. I don't know why she does that but I feel safe. So I was hugging her and my eyes were closed but there was jalebi in my other hand and it was slipping. So I opened my eyes… and looked up


And the next thing I saw was the big round fat face of the scary lady. And there was no injecshun or jalebi. She had a dirty blade in her hand and she heated it on the candle flame, I felt scared, she wanted to hurt me so I jumped up and down.


But they holded me down. Then she took her hands near my thighs, near my ‘apaapi’ she started pinching and holding the small skin of my apaapi.


A teacher came to our school to teach us about 'good touch - bad touch' on the internashhnal womens day... I forgot her name. She had very long hair… and they called all girls together and we all played and we sang and danced in a circle. And in the end they gave us namkeen and cake and soda. It was a awesome day abbu.


Abbu do you know what I want to be? When I am big? I want to be a teacher. Just like that byuti-full teacher, I will teach little girls like me how to be strong. And I will be the most awesomest teacher because I'll give all students chocolates daily and never beat or punish anyone. There will be nor dark rooms and we'll have four holidays every week, no five. Only two days school.


Ammi probably won't let me do that… I think. She'll be angry, because Sunday time - family time will go away if I do that.



So the teacher that came that day… She told us to scream loudly if someone touches our sens-... sen-si-tiete parts... no!!... 'Sen-sit-ive' parts... yes… sensitive that's what she called it... my apaapi. She showed us in a board and everything.


So I started crying loudly as loud as I can... I was scared… I wanted to get out of there.. I tried to move away and shouted, cried for ammijaan… she was not there from the beginning… so I started kicking that lady and hitting everyone around… someone holded my hands and legs… and that aunty got furious and called ammi… Finally maa came into the room, she ran in... it was so dark there… I couldn't see anything… ammi came near and she was very angry with me, I could tell… she gave me that look… she took hold of my hand and screamed "you are a bad girl… you are not abbu's acha bacha… you are a spoiled bacha… I will tell abbu to not come home to this spoiled girl"


Abbu I was very scared abbu… but I tried so hard to stop crying … and it was impossible. Then ammi came close to my ears, she had tears in her eyes, she was sobbing, I could hear in the voice. She whispered that everything will be alright and holded my hand and told me to let them do their job… and promised me she'll take me to a movie and buy me whatever I want in the interval. So I closed my eyes… very hard but… I could hear everything. Ammi was telling naanijaan that if I was scared this much we can stop this and do it some other time. But naani kept saying no.


"it’s good to gettrid of the ‘haram ki boti' as early as possible."


Abbu?...


Abbu?...


Am I haram ki boti? What were they talking about?


-


The lady pinched a part of the skin from my apaapi… and I felt a little heat… then she started cutting the skin she was pinching tight between her fingers… it was paining very bad… I screamed… I tried so hard not to cry and holded my breath… I felt something hot on my centre and then something watery going down my thighs… I lifted my head to see what it was and it was blood!


I couldn't hear anything after that abbu… my… my ears felt like there was water in them… I couldn't hear anything, everyone were shaking… everyone became blurry… like that day when I fell down in the school assumblee…

I couldn't see what was happening… I started feeling very weak and my head was heavy, and I was very sleepy… everything started becoming dark… so I closed my eyes shut so hard that it hurt…


I knew ammi was doing this to me because I had been a naughty girl and did not behave like obibiyant girls do and I kicked the aunty too…


She was punishing me…

I am sorry that I am a bad girl abbu… I promise I will always listen to whatever ammi says and naani tells me to… please come home abbu… I will ask sorry to the aunty for kicking also…

I promise… I will never climb the tree in our backyard…

I won't pick a fight with neighbour boys.

I promise I will always be good and be obidiyant… please… plesse abbu… I will always be acha bacha… your acha bacha. But please don't let them take me to the dark room again abbu… please…

Please tell ammi to never take me there…

Please tell ammi to never take anyone there…


I holded ammi’s hand tightly and cried and wished all was over quickly… and shouted and cried… I don't remember anything afterwards…


Then I woke up on a sofa and my frock had blood. When we walked back home…I tried to not show it… and to be brave and to walk on my own… But everytime I lifted my right leg… it hurt so much. I wanted to ask maa to help me… but I didn't because I was angry on her….


She saw me crying and carried me home… and after we reached home, she washed the blood and put medicine on the place and told me to sleep and she told me everything will be alright tomorrow.


When I woke up… I tried getting up from the sofa.. it hurt a little when I ran and everytime my underwear touched there. But ammi lifted me up and told me that I’m the bravest girl in the whole world and she had made me all kinds of sweets... kheer, jalebi, kalamra... and sharbat. All for me… I ate a lot of Jalebis…


I don't hate maa now… but still you are only my no.1 favoratt person and she is now no.2. and after that in last bhaijaan that too only because he gave me his jalebis.


Abbbbuuuuu…. The Jalebis were just perfect… just like I like them. I also saved one for you abbu, I have hid it somewhere safe for you to eat when you come back home. Naani won't find it. She says that you are long gone and can never come back home ever again.


I don't care about her. Ammi promised if I talk to you everyday, you'll come home. When will you come back home, abbu, we will eat all the sweets of this whole world… and go to the fair and watch movies… and eat coconut candies…


I will show you what peejans are and we will play with them. We'll have an awesome time abbu… we'll play so much we'll get tanned and ammi will drag us back home… you just come here as fast as you can and I'll take care of the rest abbu… please.


So then after I finished all the sweets and played for some time with nafisa and bhaiyya's friends, ammijaan told me that she had a surprise for me… and called me to another room. She gave me piu!! in a red gift box and she said “meri gudia ke liye ek gudia"







This totally normalized yet hardly spoken religious practice is called khafd or khatna in the Dawoodi Bohra community.


This as a custom is not adhered to one specific religion or country. It's been practiced for centuries in many different continents across the globe. Mostly concentrated in parts of Africa and middle east Asia, the same evil with different names involves stitching partially and sometimes even permanently mutilating female genitals for non-medical reasons. This is called FGM (Female Genital Mutilation).


Mere six to seven year olds are lured into this horror of religion by promises of gifts, sweets, movies or even candies. FGM is an age old ritual banned but still in practice usually carried out by traditional circumcisers chosen by the respective religious heads that also play other central roles in the community like attending childbirth.


According to W.H.O more than 200 million girls and women who are alive today have been affected by FGM.


FGM is a violation of human rights of girls and women and has managed to stay alive as a result of baseless and unquestioned beliefs that have been peddled for generations.


And this is a tiny attempt to aware people of this hushed horror.


By Graheet Shenoy





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