My Special One

By Susheela Jayasimhan

When the wind blows, pulling me

Towards the emptiness of life,

All I hear, the countless whisper

Of myself who lost everything to

The temptations of life,

When the clouds bring dark and it gets hard to breath,

To see the light in the darkness of my mind,

When the air feels like it’s being

Crushed out of me,

Getting my heart broken is never the worst part,

But it’s the aftermath that kills me.

It’s, when waking up and trying to touch a huge body beside me,

Only to realize that I no longer can

Touch, watch or listen to you again.

I just wish to have you with me and talk about something with your imperfect

words.

Getting heart-broken is hard,

But wanting to die and being forced to keep on living for others, is worst.

Let me introduce myself, not a writer or a poet but a house wife,

These are my worries and sorrows,

Grounded on the separation of my son,

Sharing with parents of special ones,

As I was one, amongst you.

God chose me to care for my special one,

The greatest blessing in my life.

Let me share my happiness and

Experience of my life,

My thoughts and my emotions,

Flow out of my heart.

I reveal the pain, kept unrevealed for long

From the depths of my heart.

Now I wish I could have a conversation with my son who is not here but far

away from my world,

My dear son,

Standing alone here, brooding over your words and deeds,

Your innocent face and the smile on it reflects in my heart as on a mirror.

I long for ,once again, to hold you against my chest, with all my love, that

throbs within my heart.

In the twilight of memory, shall we meet once again,

Would you sing a song,

In your own unique words

That made the lyrics of your song.

You came in to my arms as a grace from God,

Your birth in earth through my womb was the most wonderful event in my life,

It became the touch stone of my life,

It taught me the lessons of perseverance, tolerance and unconditional love in

life.

I accepted you with all my love and cared you as the treasure that I have been

given in my life.

It is beyond my endurance your separation and the cry comes out of my heart,

It becomes the sob of my heart forever in my life.

Expecting all the solace from  Almighty who made the blow on my life, taking

my son far away from me, I surrender my pain and life to his feet.

God plays with his creations on Earth,

I know I have to obey him and trust him and wait for the next play,

Because everything happens for a reason.

You were the smile of my life,

And the light of my home,

That was sweet and lively with your presence.

You loved everyone as you didn’t know hatred.

You didn’t know jealousy or greed,

You didn’t know cheating and to be selfish in life,

Because your brain was too small to include such evil feelings in it.

You were always happy in  your own way and smiled always like a little child.

You always wanted to be prioritised by your family,

You had a huge heart as well as a body but a small brain,

You didn’t know the dangers around you,

And weren’t bothered for anything but your food and toys.

You enjoyed to be well dressed and liked the outings with your siblings.

You were special in your own way, innocent, unaware of the world around you,

Helpless without me, and I loved you more than anything in this world.

I was the saviour in your life on this earth as a special mission in my life.

I believed that God gave you in my arms, selecting me to care for his unique

creation on this Earth.

As I was willing to protect one of His creations in this earth.

I moulded my life with your daily routine and always took care of you and

watched you 24/7 with all the love and kindness in my heart along with your

two siblings.

You very much liked to play with the switch boards in our room because you

were unaware of the danger hidden.

You didn’t know about electricity, so I always kept an eye on you,

You didn’t know the poison of snakes who were the visitors of our vast

compound,

You wanted to catch them and play with them if they were around your vicinity.

So, I always walked with you when you played outside

You loved our dogs and wanted to play with them always,

You brought them inside our room at times to sleep with,

You hid them covering with your blanket from my vision,

You didn’t know the burns from the fire and once dipped your hands in the

boiled-water,

You knew what water is and what it’s for, You bathed and played in it for

hours,

It was your most important fun in life,

Once you drowned in the neighbour’s pond, suffocated by the same water you

played with,

Then you realized the danger in the depth of water hidden within it

I watched you 24 hours a day,

I helped you to do all your daily routine,

I bathed you, fed you and slept by your side,

Heard all your stories that’s been narrated in your unfinished language,

Made you sleep without sleeping myself,

As you had the habit of going out,

Seeking new adventures, new dogs to play with, new cars to play with, new

roads to travel

Not knowing the difference between light and darkness, the dangers hidden in

the darkness or the way back home.

So, I slept very little every night, keeping you close.

You were helpless in conveying your feelings to others,

You never spoke the way we did,

You didn’t finish your lines with complete words.

You had your own language only comprehensible to your family.

You conveyed your likes and dislikes through this language

You had special gestures to share all the concepts taught at your special school.

So your siblings created a dictionary with your incomplete words,

to exchange your concept within the family and we got a new language to talk

to you.

You went and returned from the special school holding my hands,

You returned from school every evening with joy of playing with your siblings

You liked this evenings, because you were the winner in all plays,

Without knowing that your siblings gave more importance to your happiness in

life,

They loved you very much, and cared you more and tried to keep you happy all

your life.

They were fond of you very much and sacrificed most of  their interests,

And they adjusted their life’s timetable to cope with your interests,

They have been given not much care from me but they were very understanding

in my life.

They were competing with each other to make you feel that you were always

the special one in their own life.

You were very lucky for having such siblings in your life.

For 28 years of your life, you were the king of the family which tried the best to

protect you and make you the special one.

Each one of us were your orderlies who were ready to make your orders into

action.

Your elder brother loved you too much and was ready to fulfil your needs.

He, an engineer abroad, never hesitated to get you anything you needed.

Your dresses, your watches, your smart phones and your monster cars, he

brought everything you wanted.

Your sister in law sat with you always with her little children and played with

you.

She knew all your small needs and ordered it online the instant you asked.

She ordered  you different shoes, drawing books, colour pencils, your balls and

everything you needed.

You danced with kids with your own unique choreography.

All the time you were happy and everybody cared you as a treasure of our

family.

Your younger sister who is a doctor, took all the responsibility to treat you well.

We were in too much pain when you got breathing trouble as your lungs were

failing you.

You were differently abled and at the same time, hyperactive in nature,

At times you were very difficult to be controlled especially when you were

angry.

It was very difficult for outsiders, to keep you calm and control your anger, as

they didn’t know you personally or about your nature.

You could change your moods suddenly and that made me the most important

person in your life as I was the only one you listened to, during your tantrums.

Only I could keep you tender and loveable in life.

You loved me too much and obeyed me all your life,

I have protected you every second of the day

And watched you continuously without having my food or routines.

I forgot myself and merged all my chores around you,

I confined myself in our house with you, leaving my kith and kin, my friends,

abandoning my outgoing activities and left all my personal interests in my life.

I have spent my life for you and your siblings, for you all to have a good future

and I have won my aim, but couldn’t save you from death at the age of 28.

I knew the most important happiness was lost from my life.

You left me in the midst of pain and loneliness.

I am in the most broken stage of my life

You were my everything, I loved you with all my heart.

I gave you first preference in my life.

Everybody loved you and did everything to make you happy.

We tried our best to make you feel better We couldn’t watch you struggle for

breaths,

And set up an oxygen cylinder for you.

Your sister sat with you and cared for you, all through your troubles

We never thought your last travel was to the world of unknown and was very

early than we thought.

You were the light of our home and you were the happiness of our life.

We didn’t want the light of our home to be vanished and miss the happiness of

our life.

We prayed for your long life with us,

But god decided to take you away from us.

You left everyone who loved you leaving us behind in a pain of ocean.

Death came to you in the form of a cardiac arrest.

It took you away after 28 years of your life with us.

We long to have you back again with us,

And badly in need to see your face again.

We want to see the smile on your face you had when you always won your

games.

We wanted to console you like before, when you are in displeasure,

But now we look at your room without you in it and feel the emptiness in it.

We see hundreds of your photos, your toys, your table, your Almirah with your

belongings and the big bike poster on the wall, painted with your favourite

colours.

Everything is in silence in your room like expecting your visit again.

We strongly believe in your presence with us and that fills my heart with energy

to go forward in life.

But I mourn for you and long for you to get you on my lap.

I want to cherish you like before when you were a child .

Come to me, hug me and hear my heart beats that throb for you.

I want to hear your stories with your imperfect words and unfinished lines about

your life in the new realm.

It is our sweetest dream and greatest longing to have you back with us, a

boundless expectation.

Man wants change but not in matters of love or his desires,

We are beheld from your love, but we believe  you are always with us.

By Susheela Jayasimhan