Only Love Can Hurt Like This

By Vrischika Kotak

i.

they say it’s okay to hurt from time to time, but it feels like this is consuming me alive. like i’ve been walking around with a hollow space between my bones, where my heart is supposed to be, crying my eyes out at 3:30, tight hands gripping my mouth silent, no one hears a sound. it feels like i’m dying a slow death, my heart only beats out of my chest, every part of me feels numb and yet, every part of me feels alive, is this love? [maybe] i feel nothing and everything, tired and a fleeting war with myself, an inexplicable emptiness. 'only love can hurt like this', they said. so how do i stop this?

tell me, please, how do i stop this?

[when will it stop? / will it ever stop? / does it ever stop?]

ii.

on a rainy morning at 4:00 am, the monster your love created made its way to church, the angels were already hiding in the back, i was hoping to find God somewhere, hoping to find answers to questions in my head. instead, i’m greeted with a glass coffin, with your name on it. i see, you’d reluctantly left with the heart i ripped out of my own chest, the sky has been crying out loud in red while i’ve been living in dread of myself and on the other side of this lair, you rest easy, cradling my soul in your arms like a baby. i'm begging, calling out your name at the altar where you sleep, reaching for you but this is not easy, will you please just hear me? will you please, just please, come back? just this one last time, we only have a minute left. ‘only love can hurt like this’ you said [this love will be your death].why are you the only voice in my head? am i in love? [i've lost myself]

iii.

there had been talks about a girl who walked around with a static heart, among surgeons who wanted to tear it apart, their small town could use a piece like this. january first, they carved it out of my chest, cracked it wide open only to find your name underneath it all, your name in the broken pieces, your name in the pitch-black labyrinth. your love had birthed art, you see? a once in a lifetime masterpiece, a sculpture titled ‘only love can hurt like this’. today, it was displayed in a metal glass box, protecting it only after it had scarred, in the museum built for the lovers and the broken ones to watch. oh how they admire pieces of me, for loving you till it wore me down to nothing, was it love? [what is love?]

iv.

in my head resides a realm, an escape, right now it's midnight here, 5;00 am in the real world. i plod along the sidewalk on these streets, the stars only shine underneath. i'm walking away [from you] but we’re burned into each other’s DNA. what awaits me is an abyss as i melt slowly, into your darkness, i’m not afraid, i like the hurt and the pain, it's familiar and it’s safe. i’ve built a home here, in this sadness, in a whitewashed building overlooking all of the madness, a door to a room on the edge called ‘only love can hurt like this’. you reach into me, your presence asphyxiates my head, you wear my heart around your neck, like an entitled trophy, just let me go, please?

my blood is boiling down to poison, deadly to the touch, every vein in my body wraps itself around what is left, of cavernulous bones [i'm holding on to nothing], cells suffocate themselves, i can't find my breath. i’m drowning in your love, i’m screaming but no one can hear, there’s nothing more left to burn. you plaster me with your temporary lies, if it’s not killing me, i am only half alive. my body paints a mural in itself, a mural of your love. is this it? is this the anatomy of love? [is this really love?]

(only love can hurt like this:

the four part series)

By Vrischika Kotak