By Siya Bhawnani
“I’m only lookin’ just to live through you vicariously…”
We all hold the steering wheel to our lives, always moving forward. Bumping into others, sometimes the encounters are just fleeting moments, sometimes it's a long journey until our routes diverge, and sometimes we make it to the end of the road together. However, all journeys have hiccups, you might find yourself stranded on the highway with hands raised high for help and if you are fortunate someone might take your hand. What if nobody stops to help? What if you end up watching everyone pass by, with only glances thrown your way? My journey is on an indefinite halt, all I can do is watch others pass by and observe them, just hoping I can continue down the road too.
I think some people might relate to this feeling, we commonly refer to it as “living life in spectator mode”, always watching but unable to take part. I always kept myself in a bubble and preferred watching others rather than living those moments myself, it’s like being the friend who likes to stay behind the camera to look at the moment through a lens rather than be a part of it. I was scared that if I stepped out, I would be vulnerable to pain and unwanted feelings. I focused on the negative side more than the positive, the possible memories I could make, and the warmth of human connection and friendship. I was cold and numb, only my eyes following others around me and attempting to live through them.
Just like every storm ends and the sun peeks through the clouds, the long blizzard in my life ended too when she came into my life. She was like a warm bonfire that invited this lost traveller to come close and warm up. My steps were hesitant, what if the flames turned erratic and I burned myself? I waited and observed but she never budged, she stayed and waited for me to take her outstretched hand. It started with a small smile, a sweet good morning every day, a small exchange of words between classes, and a small step closer to her. By the time I was close enough to hold her hand at last, my lips were curled up in a small smile and my eyes were full of adoration and gratitude. In a matter of months, we made memories and I experienced the life I had only observed through my eyes. Walking through the street market hand-in-hand, buying matching bracelets to commemorate our platonic love and sitting by Marine Drive and recalling the highlights of our journey while the sea breeze blew through our hair. Even when we said our goodbyes, we both promised to meet again down the road again.
By Siya Bhawnani
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