Solidarity, What A Funny Feeling.

By Uroosah Ehsan

I’d never known its true power until it had a hold over me. It feels like I’m disappearing into a bottomless pit, the hysteria from it all filling me with adrenaline and frustration as I have no idea when ill stop falling. Being left alone with no other one of your kind to speak to, the sheer feeling of loneliness swallows you as a whole and leaves you desperate for attention and love. Your heart craves a little shower of affection, or even a minor acknowledgement. Waiting around to see if people notice the hell, you are trying to fight off in your head feels like waiting for a volcano to erupt. It stays bottled up inside you until you finally explode into a burst of flames, just like a volcano.

But you know what people do when a volcano erupts? They run away.

They run away to leave you even more alone. They are afraid of you, they feel threatened by your very existence. You look at the damage you caused, now all your friends have been pushed away and it’s all your fault.

The skies feel your grief from above and send in their sympathy in the form of melancholy tears, extinguishing the pit of fire your body erupted. The ghastly flames disappear, and all that’s left is a layer of smoke, leaving you nearly blind as you struggle to navigate your way forward.

Your mountain grows feet and trots along the path it once walked through when it was human. The mess and chaos caused by you remain in your mind as you hesitantly trudge past the marshy waters, the grainy sands, and the earthen forest floor. You watch the world around you transform into a gloomier alternate universe, but the gloom seems to affect you and you only. It’s almost like one of the storm clouds took a particular interest in following you around, showering you with its tears, so much so that you are soaked from head to toe.

Like an outcast, you watch the people around you slowly part as you walk past them, all engaged in their own affairs to even throw a glance in your direction. You walk up to your best friends, a hopeful smile on your face as you see them happy and in a good mood. But once you approach them, the atmosphere shifts, so fast that you almost regret even

approaching them

.

They look at you with reproach, and get back into their lively conversation, ignoring your presence. Your body feels like it suddenly bears the weight of the world as you walk back to your neighborhood, each step excruciatingly regretful. The deafening laughter of the people around you give you a headache and makes you so dizzy to the point where the world seems to spin.

It encompasses you, like cuffs attached to a prisoner in confinement. You’re mentally bound to the feeling until somebody else proactively takes an action against it. No amount of strenuous training can help you fight off the feeling of loneliness, the worst games to play are with your mind.

because you’ll never win against it.

Sometimes, solidarity isn’t something you can control. The sheer feel of not being in control gives it the privilege to control you instead. You’re just a soul, trapped into your mind prison. You can’t escape it, no matter how much you try, it will always linger around like a bad memory.

You wake up from your mental coma, shaking your head and trying to clear the kaleidoscopic sights of the world around you. You find a person running towards you, and your messed up state could almost see angel wings on their back as they come flying/ running towards your broken figure. You rub your eyes in shock, are you imagining things or is a person actually looking in your direction?

Their slender arms help you up to your feet, your limbs feeling like jelly as you forget how to walk for a second. The ache in your heart starts to fade out as your pupils dilate at her smiling face.

“Are you okay?”

Your eyes fill up with the moisture you didn't know you still had in you and start to stream down your face. Those three beautiful words rang around your ears like music, lifting the weight of the earth off your shoulders. Your posture straightens up as your dimples finally make an appearance after being hidden from the world for so long.

You finally find the will to smile.

You walk along with her, your day a hundred times brighter as you feel more confident in your skin. The people around you smile as you walk past them, and even wave to grab your attention. You absent-mindedly wave back, and to your surprise, they smile at you. You didn’t think this was real, and as you glanced at your angel in disguise at your side, you find her missing.

You suddenly dart your eyes everywhere, frantically in search of her when you finally realize you’re alone again. You ask yourself... “did I imagine her?” You’re surprised as the heaviness in your heart doesn’t make an appearance yet.

You don’t feel that burden of loneliness anymore. The air smelled fresh, the birds chirped happily, and you walked along the path to your home alone, observing the vibrant world around you in silence.

Solidarity, what a funny feeling.

By Uroosah Ehsan