By Vanshika Gupta
It was pitch black. I can feel the soft air blowing on my face. My skin was warm. There were birds chirping. It’s as if I were lying on a cloud since it’s so soft and silky. This place doesn't feel familiar. I sense a strange energy here. Not the one I usually feel; this one appears to be cheerful and vibrant. I hear some voices and try to make sense of them. "Is she..", "I believe so," "yes, she is waking up," and other mumbled voices I couldn't understand.
I gently open my eyes, and the bright light welcomes me. I constantly blink my eyes to clear the blurred vision in front of me, and what I see is the best view human eyes have ever seen. I was in complete awe. As I look around, my eyes glow. The sky was clear, and the sun shone brightly above me. The water was calm and serene. And a rainbow reflects so brightly and boldly in the lull of the sky.
My gaze then shifts to the people around me. And I just stood there, almost paralysed by their beauty. They were all wearing white, and their wings were covered with stars that glowed brighter than a thousand suns. They were radiating with elegance and grace. Their eyes were kind and forgiving, only knowing how to help and not see anyone suffer anymore. They were unlike any other human I’d ever encountered. They were odd but endearing. They were distinct.
One of them approaches me and requests that I tell them my story. I was bewildered for a moment before remembering everything. Then I recall the previous night—that night. My mind fills with all the memories I don’t want to remember. Thoughts began to race with the speed of light inside my brain. I was filled with emotions, and I wanted to cry. I was confused and lost. I was befuddled and disoriented. I had no idea where I was or who those people were. And what about the cliff and the jump? The jump? I started crying, but tears didn’t come out. I was mortified, and I had no idea what was going on. The dazzling light of the sun was smothering my eyes. As I attempted to cut them with my hands, my eyes began to bleed. The soft air grows thorns and erodes my ribs as it flows down my windpipe, eating them away. It blended in with my cells and completely encircled my throat. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t cry. I had no idea what was going on until one of the 12 people came and held me. She hugged me, and then others encircled us. I was confused until someone said, "Dear girl, you can’t cry; no one cries here." I asked myself where I was before the other person said, "You are in God’s land, dear," and then it hit me. Shivers crawl through my body as all the pieces connect in my head. Then they again asked me to tell them my story, and I nodded.
"I recall the day; it was the day everything changed." I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and continued, "It all began with a thought. Something was going wrong. That was the start before I realised what it was. And then, a second or so later, there was a strange perception inside my head. There was some biological activity in the rear of my skull, not far above my neck. The cerebellum. A waving flickering, as though a butterfly was trapped inside, and a tingling perception just made me think I was about to die. And then my heart started to go. Then I started to go. I vanished, falling into a new, claustrophobic reality. After that, I don’t think I’d ever feel anything like the past or even half-normal again.”
“And I just wish someone had told me what’s all this before."
I stop and open my eyes to find them still staring at me with an emotion I can’t count. I continued “I recall the day; it was my last day on Earth.”
"The day was ordinary. The moon shone brighter on me than it does on any other day, as though I were in the spotlight, and that was my day. The wind caressed my face and pushed me back no more gently than it normally does. I recall being surprised that I was still alive. I only have those thoughts to play with at the moment. But there was no relief. I just wanted to die. No. That’s not quite correct. I didn’t want to be dead; I just didn’t want to be alive. Death was something that frightened me. And death only occurs to those who have lived. There were infinitely more people who had never been alive. I wanted to be one of those people. That old classic wish to never have been born to have been one of the 300 million sperm that didn't make it.”
“And I wish someone could have just held me there.”
I find their gaze again, and I can see the pain mixed with some other emotion in their eyes. Instead of calling for it, I continued,
"I recall the day; it was a cold January night.”
“I left the room, I left the house, and I went outside to kill myself. The moon was beating hard. The air strongly reeked of pine and the sea. The house was just behind me. In front of me was the most gorgeous view I had ever seen. The sea was right there, just below the cliff. It was calm that day. The tide was full, and the stars shining brightly across the straits fit almost every definition of beauty. And the cliff edge was only a few steps away. I'd guess no more than six. My only plan was to take 7 steps in that direction. And so I walked, counting my steps, then losing count, my mind racing. "I can do this, I assured myself, and I challenged myself to win this game. I made it to the edge of the cliff. The only thought inside me was that I could stop feeling this way simply by taking another step. It was so fantastically easy—a single step—versus the pain of being alive for me. But it wasn’t easy. Even though I had more suicidal thoughts, the fear of death was the same inside me. The only difference is that the pain of life has rapidly increased inside me. Death wasn’t any less scary for me, but it wasn’t a choice anymore. I stood there, at the cliff, for a while. Summoning the courage to die and then summoning the courage to live Right there, death was so close. An ounce more terror, and the scales would have tipped. But this time, un-suffocating death secured the victory over the fear of being alive, and I cut my way out."
I stare at them blankly, emotions rushing through my body. “And then I found myself here.”
By Vanshika Gupta
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