By Pallav Baruah
Hi, I am Dick. Yes my name is Dick.
Let me ask you a question, if I start poking my nose right now, what would you do?
“Ew, what a Dick, disgusting.”
Fair enough.
But here's the thing, I might say that it feels so good though. Also, a booger is bugging me.
“What the fuck Dick? Too much information. Censor.”
So fine, I won't poke my nose.
At least not in front of you.
But I'll find my moment, and I'll do it.
Oh yes, with vengeance.
But I do wonder, What feels so good about poking my nose? I mean, is it the nose itself or the finger?
I am thinking out loud, you see. Cuz there are hardly days when a Dick thinks before he acts.
Here I am, with my partner, and her name is Chick.
Let me tell you, she's the most beautiful one I've ever encountered in my life. The way I clicked and she clucked; man, it was like the stars aligned, and everything fell into place. It was the best thing since '89, back when my folks decided to reverse a 69, and I was conceived.
Actually I was transforming from a decadian baby to a millennial teen, that's a pretty big deal, right?
Things were changing so fast. I remember this TV commercial for a TV, endorsed by cricket heroes, with the tagline “Bada hai to behtar hai.” Yeah, bigger was better. The vehicles were growing, the garages were shrinking. Cords were sliding into devices, data was being transferred, screens were being touched. Till I started to like, comment, share, subscribe, follow, join, promote, you name it.
But, on the other hand,
I spewed hate. The power I have now to block, cancel and ban. Ooh! The Devil may care.
Yes, yours truly, Dick and Chick, have been doing a lot lately.
Thank you for the zeitgeist! The 21st century of the Lord.
How do you survive? You may ask, if you are a person living under the rock, or under the influence of Rock music.
“A dick should be straight, and firm.” you may say.
But I see chicks, they want all sorts of worms.
Some might not even want worms at all.
I mean, dicks, they might be into donkeys, and chicks could be dining on cats.
Or maybe, just maybe, chicks are all about worms, while dicks are into cats.
I can’t know.
I say better roll with it Rock n Roller.
But Dick, one might explain, A turtle gets bored and gets back into its shell.
“Slow and steady wins the race.”
Well I say “fuck you!” that you don’t give a fuck, because I was born to give a fuck.
That's me Dick, duh!
I SURVIVE on fucks given.
“Okay, okay, okay, whoa!!!” says Chick. Yeah, she is my best mate, the one who finishes me off and I sleep soundly, you know. I look at her, many times. Does she really chicken out when I push or she pretends to?
What if I am actually “Dick” tated? The hell do I know!
But one thing I'm certain of; when I call, she needs to come.
And she does.
Well, she's the one who feeds me. Though I do cook sometimes. Ooh! Those meals are succulent.
But is it enough? Yes, the thought comes.
If a bag of seeds is made available to you, how much land would you plow? For me, it better be fertile with ample rain. I shall plow extra if I have to, I like to see those green crops.
But wait a minute! That's only half the manual. What about storms, boars, thieves, and battles? Can the crops ride those waves?
Lately, as the years pass by, I have found answers.
The seeds were planted well, the crops growing fine. I will harvest when the time comes.
Not now though. Let them grow, let them come of age. Who am I if not a vessel for life?
But why should I, Dick, care?
What actually feeds me is a good amount of proteins, carbs, vitamins, and minerals. I hit the macros and the micros and I hit the gym. Every morning, I see the flag hoisting upright on the pole. It makes me smile. I should see the good side, think the good thoughts, hope for the best, and I should plow more lands.
Work hard and party harder.
Yeah, I should live by this, like I used to when I was 21. Even if I mixed the most acidic stuff with the most basic stuff, it went right down the throat, straight to the gut, tantalizing the pelvic. But what went wrong?
Chick says we have grown up.
True we have.
Chick you're the cat and I am the curiosity.
I have for sure grown up with a hammer but I don’t use it. Not until a nail needs to be hammered anyway.
Why? Chick asks, what’s the fear?
Well, when I was a teen, I did use it, and actually, it did kill a cat. My folks, superstitious, did donate a gold cat to rid me off my sins. But, the truth is I only took one life, the cat had nine.
After that, I have grown up thinking the only way to straighten up a pussy cat is by using a slapstick. The sound is hard but the blow is soft. Job’s done.
But honestly, now I know, that is not the truth.
The truth is, the cat loves me and I love her too. Isn't it true, Chick?
Chick says yes.
But what about respect? Chick says that's in check, I should worry about trust.
So how much is gone? She says what?
I say how much of the trust is gone? She says not enough, the fire is still on.
Hah! Chicks, oh the way they know the tricks.
And so we have grown. Chick and Dick.
We have grown up into an age. The age of millions who popped up in 89. The spirit of the 90s and 2000s and back to the 10s and 20s. The numbers have been so tricky that I can’t keep up. Am I the late 20th or the early 21st? What am I? The rising sun or the burning phoenix?
Have you wondered too?
Do you see it too?
The high of Gen Y and the frenzies of the Gen Zs? I heard the newest generation is called Alpha. Hah! What an irony. I feel bad for the Betas after them.
So, let me ask you again, if I start poking my nose right now, what would you do?
Would you burn or smoke or vape me?
Would I be worth sweeping or swiping?
And finally, would you spit or swallow?
I am Dick, I need to know.
By Pallav Baruah
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