The Diary Of A Veterinary Intern

By KS

Hello beautiful reader!

My name is xxx and I'm a veterinary intern. This narrative is basically a part of my journal entry, a note of all important events that I'd never want to forget while i go from 'student' to 'doctor' .....

Before you move onto the diary entries, let me introduce myself... I'm an introvert, a loner that talks less. I communicate with animals, telepathically. I'm embarassed to share that my dad calls me 'Alice in Wonderland' because I'm constantly dreaming, unaware of the external world... I express in form of art/ drawings and i love to have my own space and peace. I love animals. I am slightly timid.

To add to this introduction, here's some extra information. During this internship, we're supposed to work at a new centre each month. That implies a never ending cycle of having to book tickets, packing, traveling, finding a place to stay, searching for food and unpacking. It's like Takeshi's Castle, you get punched by sweet inconveniences, several times. By end of each week, you fall into a bog of laundry. You might get lost in the maze of alternative career paths and you might have to swim through a pool of unasked suggestions. Simultaneously, it also brings great clarity about what you'd love to pursue and where you're most needed!

We're a quad squad, initially a trio , that adopted a fourth friend. People who spend time together tend to adsorb one another's attributes. There's a petite one, she teaches me to be confident and witty. She's adorned with her street smartness, that's something i definitely lack. There's a foresighted, independent one. I like to know her opinions, she seems to deliver valuable inputs. I'm scatter-brained when it comes to roads, maps and directions; i trust her in my conundrum. Lastly, there's a super organized one. The level of diligence and hard work that she displays is commendable. I must learn that from her. Moreover, her love for tidiness helps me make a smaller mess. I love these girls. I couldn't have survived without them!

December 23, 2021

1st week of internship! It is Hatchery week. I can relate to these chicks. We're the same. Just hatched. Hatched out of our homes. Poultry was never my favourite. I dislike the whole deal.

We saw parent stock i.e male and female chickens are housed together. The eggs are collected daily and incubated, the chicks are then sold for egg or meat purpose.

They asked us to collect the eggs today. It's such an insult to motherly instinct, i feel. The hens sit on their eggs, that's what most aves do, they incubate their eggs and they want to care for their babies. Hens are mothers too. Imagine flicking them off their eggs and snatching them away, every day!! I didn't want to do the task....

December 25, 2021

We visited the brooding pen! They had housed a new batch of day old clicks! They're absolutely adorable! Some of them do not make it and they succumb to infection, deformity, etc... We saw such unfit chicks, a couple days old, lying around trembling, starving, nobody feels bad for them. These chicks are removed from the shed. They aren't looked after. They did arrange a heater for them, they were provided food but they weren't strong enough to consume it. They were collected in a box and abandoned. I tried to help a few sit up, it didn't work. Maybe they do not deserve to live peacefully nor die comfortably.

January 5, 2022

I can't believe we're already five days into the new year. It's super uncomfortable. Being exposed to new experiences on a daily basis is not something i am used to. "It's time to get out of the comfort zone" , i said to myself.

We've been visiting a cattle and buffalo farm this week. Today, my life changed. I could feel it within myself since a few days..but today, i make a conscious decision to quit consumption of any animal product as much as possible.

A buffalo was tied in a travis. The doctors were trying to implant embryos (fertilized in vitro) inside her uterus so she could get pregnant. She wasn't liking it. I wouldn't either if it were being done without consent!

A tear rolled down her cheek. She was helpless....I couldn't be of any help. I felt terrible.

Sending love and healing to an animal always feels so amazing. Almost always , the animal responds by sending it back and I think that's so beautiful! Sometimes I can see a light. It's a beautiful warm pink with scattered gold! That's how i describe pure love. Sometimes it means femininity... that depends upon the context though. It can also be hues of blue speckled with violets. That's usually a very wise, balanced, calming energy. To me, it also represents boyish charm. There might be many more colours involved, the feelings they elicit are diverse, but not vague. There might be a fascinating interplay of images and emotions, of words and voices, of flavours and aesthesis. None of it can mean nothing. All of it carries meaning....

January 6,2022

In a shed, lies a cow, eight months pregnant, recumbent, in the harsh sun, weak, unable to sit up. She has been there, exactly the same, since 4 days now. She lay there silent yet alive, while crows hovered over! They're scavengers and that's their virtue. What astonishes me is the morality of the humans who wouldn't seem to care! Moreover, there are very few people who'd be interested in treating such 'waste' animals! We as interns, urged the assistants to help us treat her. They agreed. We treated her for 2 days after that... but she perished.

On this note, let's learn to forgive ourselves. Without keeping guilt. This is an area where i used to struggle the most. Making an honest attempt, with the correct intention, (however infinitesimal it's effect might be) creates a vast difference in how easy or difficult it will be to process the guilt. After what happened, I must be able to tell myself, "At least, I tried."

Guilt is such a low vibration. It stems from a disagreeable memory. Learning from the mistake and releasing the emotions attached to that memory turns it into wisdom. Now move on, and don't repeat old deeds! Congratulations! You just grew!

Sometimes i tend to drift away from the topic, except that there's no topic here, it's just my diary entry. I love how writing has become a new form of expression these days. Drawing is too. I love to draw intricate details. Botanical (leaf and flower) patterns are my absolute favourite. I drew a sketch of this cow, and her unborn calf. I draw cats and the sun and the moon too. I draw a depiction of my physical self as well. And also a conscience, a higher self, a guide that never let's me get lost into the never-ending sea of self doubt. There, I've drifted again. I need to catch some sleep now.

February 3, 2022

Books taught us this during our course, a bull mounts another bull while an 'artificial vagina' is used to collect their semen. The bulls have been trained to ejaculate that way. It's unbelievable how technology has progressed. The amount of power technology holds is unimaginable.

The semen is collected, processed and stored in straws which are later used to inseminate females artificially to produce more offspring. It's a very intriguing procedure to study.

These bulls are well taken care of. They're healthy. They're offered good nutrition. They are pedigree bulls that have good genetic ancestors. They sire hundreds of offspring for the dairy industry. In a country like ours, agriculture and animal husbandry pay a major contribution to the economy.

I was disheartened when the professor told us that they're sold off after they reach a certain age. They're sold off to farmers who might want to breed their household cows/buffaloes, or they might be sold off for meat.

Sometimes i feel bad for not being able to observe without judgement. But I'm trying. I've learnt to detach. Easily and quickly. It hurts less now. I remember how i used to be so affected by the suffering of others. The stray dogs by the community garbage bin used to make me cry. I used to feel sorrow for others as if it were my own. I used to cry over insignificant, petty issues, ones i cannot seem to acknowledge now. I used to feel so out of place, so lonely. Nobody was like me and i felt like nobody considered me as a part of the group. I lived in the illusion of separation. I struggled to love myself, to know that I'm not meant to fit in.

This profession has taught me ways of life. It taught me to draw a line between my pain and theirs. I've developed a habit of asking myself, "is this mine or is it being projected upon me?" If it's not coming from me... it's very easy to be unaffected because it's not mine. If it is mine, it's easier to process because i know where it's coming from!

It's very easy for my job to take a toll on my mental health. It's necessary to be strong and think right.

March 19, 2022

Today we saw a cow give birth! It was so beautiful. It's the first time i ever got a glimpse of the process. I've never experienced the feelings i felt today! I respect the animal even more now...

..... It was a boy! So warm and mushy.... the rush of feelings that followed was overwhelming.... Unfortunately, i could feel a drastic change in the vibe as soon as he was born....it happened because he was not a girl, they dragged him across the floor...his head rubbed against the concrete. I thought to myself, "maybe the calf is still born and they're taking him away so they can attend to the newly parturated mother." She was in distress. She stood up as soon as the foetus had been expelled, she turned around, the membranes were still hanging from her vulva...just to see that her baby had already been tossed into the adjacent pen. The boy managed to sit upright on his own. He sneezed and mucus flew right out of his nose. The caretaker then approached the calf and very 'uncarefully' cleared the baby's passages. Such disrespect for being a boy!?. Such deep regret!? I gasped. He was alive. He wasn't dead. He was just a boy, a by-product of the dairy industry!

The mother continued to moo and the boy did too. Never will he feel the warmth of his mother and he'll be sent off to the abattoir in exchange of a few bucks. This happens every day. Each day a new calf adds up to the lot of unwanted male calves...and the agony of their mothers is always overlooked.This is the value of their life.

Everyone was saddened to the extent that their ethics allowed.

It took me a while to understand the event.

Heading back to my room, i slept. The incident kept playing on loop and i woke up from all the disturbance. The clock showed 4:30 am. Everyone was fast asleep. I cried. It felt like the only right way to release the negative energy. "Maybe sending them love and energy would make me feel better", i said to myself. As i proceeded, i felt the same warm flush of love being directed back at me. It was her...she had a warm pink energy....she was the source. I was overwhelmed. I wept. Whenever this happens, i have a habit of asking the animal for guidance, "how do i deal with this? I feel so sorry for you... Can you help me find peace?"

A beautiful conversation followed. I was half a sleep by then. She told me each experience has valuable insight for the beholder. Everyone is different and everyone feels differently. She reminded me of who i was, she reminded me to avoid getting stuck in the physicality, she reminded me about the connection between souls and it's eternal nature. I felt relief. "You are more than this, never forget that", she smiled.

She's why I'm writing this. She inspires me.

April 8, 2022

Today, a dog was admitted to the hospital. He had met with an accident. He was bleeding. He had multiple fractures. His forelimb got crushed and his skin as badly torn. He was in excruciating pain. There was no way he could recover. We had to do it. He was euthanized. We felt his heart slow down, then it stopped. We saw him breathe a last breath. And then, he transcended the limits of this limited world.

Animals are almost spirits and angels, on earth, yet they're on such a higher plane. No-one compares to an animal. Be it any species, any size, any colour, any pattern... They're astonishing balls of energy condensed into floof.

I cannot even begin to explain how tolerant they are. Even as a veterinarian, i sometimes find it so hard to gauge the kind of emotions an animal could be going through. It's unbelievable how satisfying being an animal doctor is to me. I wonder at times if I'm their doctor or am i their patient... They seem to cure me of my nervousness, anxiety, fear, loneliness.... I might not be talkative but i do talk to my parients regularly. I haven't yet built the muscles to communicate telepathically with an animal flawlessly, on the spot, but i do pretty well at times... Some animals have such beautiful messages.

Once a dog bit me. I had to take three injections because of him. I managed to ask him why .... and he wanted me to stop overthinking, overanalyzing and judging a situation "That's not who you are, stop making it worse. Let it sort itself out.", he ordered.... Whatt?! Yes absolutely. Animals have opinions. They talk. We need to consider them. If we dont, they will make you listen.

I'm reminded of an old incident. It's about my pet cat, Baji, who started getting his eye injured more often. Rarely does my second cat, Nina hurt him. She's a mellow lady, with an inaudible meow. Baji's eye used to be swollen in the morning, he used to make it worse throughout the day. We used to treat him, it would subside quickly. And it used to happen all over again.

That's when i realised that he wanted to tell us something. I should've asked him earlier! "You guys shouldn't be watching so much television. It's damaging your routine and life too. Go to bed early", he demanded. That was undoubtedly the truth. We had been watching TV until late in the night. We weren't sleeping right. We were stuck in a bad schedule and it wasn't getting any better. We took his advice seriously. Our circadian cycle and baji's eye went back to normal.

May 17, 2022

Abattoir visits have begun.

Each day holds new horror, screams and tears. Animals, whole, alive and conscious, are beaten, pushed and lead onto the kill floor where it all happens. They never come out in one piece. Young boys practice on smaller calves. Adult men are skilled labourers.

By the time I left, there was a crimson sea and a mountain of hide.

Today, I saw how elegantly and efficiently these magnificent creatures were dispatched into oblivion....what a sight!

I could have bunked, but i was determined to go. It's something i wanted to witness, once. It's the price of the milk we drink. These animals are sent by the dairy industry. Those animals who do not produce economically, shall die.

It's like a stuck casette in my brain, I've managed to gain control over it now, i think... I hope to recover from it soon.

There are a few things that intrigued me so so much... After all that happened, how can one have such a neutral attitude. She was balanced. She never projected anxiety or fear. She was truly free. I cannot forget this one particular buffalo. She was tied in a corner. She was milked to the vary last drop she held in her udder. She could see all that was happening. Another two men strapped her feet, all four. With one mighty pull she collapsed onto the slippery floor and that was her end.

That night I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I asked her if she'd talk...she said yes. I hesitated to ask her how she was feeling. To my surprise, she said she was okay. She made it to the other side and she was at peace. I felt a calmness, she wasn't hurting. She was a wise lady. She reminded me of my Strength, my Power. She told me how it's important to face the storm in order to restore peace. The unscrupulous society helps reinforce our values. It's just to teach us to be moral and set our own standards, because nobody will protect your principles as much as you do!

June 12, 2022

Rising from my bed this morning, I asked the Universe to send me a sign. I wasn't feeling positive, i felt stagnant, i didn't know if i was making any progress. I didn't know how i was going to build my future. In short, it was anticipatory anxiety. Everyone gets it. Especially when your degree is about to get over in a few months, and you have no idea what's coming next.

This is how i found 'Surya' the cat. I was heading back home when i saw a beautiful golden- orange Persian kitten, seated like a good boy, on the footpath. "How on earth did he reach here", I asked myself! Persian cats are house cats! They're not supposed to be on the street.

As i gently picked him up, dismay subdued awe, for he had a prolapsed rectum. He had been abandoned. I carried him home, to the clinic we went then. I took him to my senior, she has her own clinic. She's the best ever.

It was at her clinic where I learnt to place an I/V for the very first time. She's the one who practically taught me basics. She trusted me when i didn't trust myself! I always rush to her when i find an animal that needs help. She deserves full credit for the recovery of countless number of animals I've ever dumped into her clinic! I knew he would be okay soon!

Surya was my sign. He was literally waiting for me, he told me he'd been there since many hours before i took him. He had been patient. He knew I'd be there, he'd be helped.

I am at the right place at the right time. I'm right where i need to be, in order to be where i want to be! I'm talking about life here. That was the message Surya had for me! He's my angel.

July 16, 2022

We were walking back home. Were were done with long hours of clinic, then we collected out dinner, did some grocery shopping...

I felt tickles on my neck. I freaked out .... indeed it was a creepy crawly and it gave me shivers.... I tried to gently flick it away. It fell. It was unusual. It was long. And green. It was a caterpillar. It rolled down my shoulder and fell beside my shoe. I picked it up, this time it didn't feel yucky at all. It felt like it was the right thing to do.

It lay on my palm... until i could cross the street and release it onto a plant. Then it crawled away. I felt joy.

I remember hurriedly walking past an earthworm many many years ago...it lay almost in the middle of the pavement. I felt sorry for it but i walked on. A minute and a half after realising how inconsiderate i behaved, I headed back ...just to see it had been stomped upon. It could have been prevented. I will never forget that lesson, dear earthworm.

Being kind demands courage, determination and above all .... respect. At home, Papa inculcated a habit of 'rescue and release' of any insects that might cause a nuisance. He does all of that ... capturing the creature and releasing it outside the house. Here, while I'm away from home, there's no one who'd do that for me. The usual response (arising from fear fear first, then disgust) is to kill it at once. I am scared of these things too. But i don't want them to die. They're unpredictable. They have wings, and claws. What if it flies right at me. I'm not as fast...(gasp). That's when i realised how difficult it is to be good. How brave one needs to be to do the right thing, to save a life... I haven't yet gathered the guts to do it myself. Multiple times, my friends have gotten rid of a bug, for me, because i couldn't 'rescue and release'...

There are too many bugs here. Way too many. All sizes and shapes. Long and short, round and stout, six legs, eight legs, some have wings, some don't. They're on the floor, and sometimes, on the bed too. I cleaned the room. I was the only human in the room. My room mate is visiting her parents this week. I decided to make peace with insects.

I sat cross legged on my bed, eyes closed, centred. I sent out a message, ..."To all the insects in the room, I'm scared of you too. Help me not be frightened. There shall be no killing here, let's just mark territories. The bed is mine, you take the floor!" The moment i did that, it felt so much better. After that moment, i hardly found any insects on my bed ever. That was amazing!

September 10, 2022

Do we question everything that we cannot see? We can't see most forces that literally drive the planet!!... What we perceive is the mere result of what we believe exists, example gravitational force, magnetic force...

Then why disregard power of thought!? Why ignore the role of emotion?! Let's not forget to add a little gratitude here as well.

I know it's crazy, but thinking of a gorgeous, big, red rose, visualising you have it, feeling and smelling it in your mind, and being grateful that the universe sent you a gorgeous, big, red rose makes manifest, a gorgeous, big, red rose in your reality!! Do try that!

The last time i did this, i was awarded for being the poultry science topper of my batch! Let me elaborate. A few days ago, i recieved an unexpected call from the Dean of my college. He instructed me to be present at the college award function happening that weekend, for i had topped poultry science, in my first year, 2017-2018. I was excited! The function was today. I reached on time.

All students had assembled. One by one we were all called on stage and handed over a trophy, a certificate, and a flower bouquet....and guess what...!! It had two huge roses amongst other flowers!!. I knew it had worked. To add to my astonishment, my trophy and certificate did not have my name on it. I had to get that done later, after the event. But i manifested a rose! It happened so suddenly that the staff never got enough time to get my name printed on it. They had forgotten about the subject entirely and that's why my trophy wasn't printed earlier... I topped the subject almost 4 years ago, and I got a prize for that ...today..!?

It's fascinating how the universe gives you what you asked! I did study the subject thoroughly, but the rose makes me happier than that award did!

October 6, 2022

We visited a farmer's shed in the village today. He had called in help for his pregnant buffalo. The buffalo was so sick and tired. She was so uncomfortable. She had a uterine torsion. The foetus was stuck. The last time she was checked, few days ago, it had been misdiagnosed. Today, it's been around seven days since the torsion happened. The foetus was of course dead, bloated and it had started putrefying. The per-vaginal exam made that clear. The infection had reached her blood. Her temperature was subnormal. She needed surgery.

The senior veterinarian suggested a cesarean section. The survival rate wasn't promising though. She required special care and attention.

The farmers are very used these situations. They've had multiple years of experience. He wasn't ready to take the risk. He did not want to spend more on her. He decided to sell her off for meat. A pregnant, sick buffalo..!? I couldn't believe what i heard. He'd be getting a fraction of his investment back if he somehow managed to sell her off, alive. A dead buffalo would've been useless. We made a vain attempt to make him rethink his decision, but he was adamant. After all it's all about money.

Maybe this is 'hell'. Now that i am aware of the fact that everything exists in the now, the visible as well as invisible exist in the now.. ..there are higher dimensions, in present moment, right here, interspersed within this 3D reality, the concepts of heaven and hell have become clearer to me. 'Heaven' and 'Hell' are not present outside of Earth! It's all here!

In my opinion, these farm animals live in hell. They electrocute soaking, scared, screaming pigs with high voltage probes, slit their throats open while they're half awake, toss them over into boiling water and skin and behead them ...? They snatch young ones from their mothers, kill the boy and burn the the girl's horns...? They trim a significant part of their beak, remove a claw or even a phalange if 'needed' ....? I can't imagine a better 'hell'!!!

"Where might 'Heaven' be then?", i wondered. That lies within oneself. Its our core essence, the love and joy that makes us warm, where the tremendous power of imagination and thought lies, where the conscience distinguishing right from wrong resides; where the power to show mercy occupies a small fraction of values otherwise governed by our senses,... that is where, i feel, we can find 'Heaven' ...

November 20, 2022

We're visiting a farm today, we observed commonly practiced managemental methods. They were castrating goats. This isn't the first time i saw how it's done, but it's the first time I'm writing about it.

They have a tool for this. It's like a huge clamp. The animal is restrained on the ground. The testicles are held tight. The spermatic cords are isolated and crushed with pressure. And the goats scream. That's basically it. Obviously, it hurts....

I'm glad i never had so see how the cattle get their nose ring done. I've had my septum pierced. I wear a bull nose ring, studded with rhinestones. I adore it. But i cannot imagine it being used to manipulate and restrain me!

This field offers us a variety of animal owners. On one side, we have this ruthless baby snatcher industry. On the other hand, we have overprotective pet parents. Uncountable number of times, vets might have to treat the owner first, the animal later. There are a few cases wherein we need to 'treat' a healthy animal, just because the pet parent has a complaint. Some conditions may present a hazard to human health, these cases scare me the most, because some owners could abandon their 'so loved pets'.

The profession is definitely not all about cute puppies and kittens and lovely stuff.

December 14, 2022

Why do we fear the future so much? Why can't we trust the unknown? Why are we expected to stay in the same vicious cycle are repeat actions based upon past experiences of others!?

I want to dwell in my dream and witness it being drawn into reality!

I'm on my way back home.

Now that I've FINALLY got time to sit still...and alone, i can visualise the entire year that passed, so swiftly, like a vivid movie. I remember how awkward i was in the beginning of the year. I'm not the same anymore. I've changed. I've evolved! I love this version of myself. I feel strong. (I do feel anxious about the future at times, but i remind myself how the universe has always supported my dreams!)

Lockdown took a toll on me, however this year gave me a chance to get out of my shell.

I've known my potential, there's nothing i can not do. Anyone can to anything, literally! If you find the courage to keep all your limiting beliefs aside, wonderful events await! (This also works as a kind reminder to myself...)

This internship program has been a catalyst for my development in various aspects.

Life was so comfortable, so easy, so peaceful before it all started. Staying away from home wasn't as fun as it appeared. Living with friends isn't as easy as i thought.

The first few weeks were miserable. I was cranky. I missed the family structure and the sense of longing that comes with it. I'm grateful to have had Aai and Papa by my side, who helped me throughout this journey. They've always been supportive. They've taught me all that I've written about. They make me strong, while allowing me to express my weaknesses.

I'm not very sure 'how much veterinary' i learnt this year, but i did learn to trust myself; i learnt that supporting oneself isn't difficult, it's just slightly scary in the beginning. I learnt to not depend upon those who aren't reliable, however close they might be, without keeping grudges that too... I learnt to speak up for myself and become my own guardian! I learnt how difficult it is to be kind, how brave one needs to be in order to be just, to be empathetic! And i learnt how important it is to be 'me', because there's nobody like myself, just like there's nobody exactly like you!

I'd like to thank my college for what they've moulded me into. This journey has been beautiful and it's sad that it's ending.

So let me reintroduce myself, it's been one year since i last did that.

Hello, my name is xxx. I'm a veterinarian and this journal is my creative outlet. I am a healer. I love interacting with people. I'm highly aware of what's inside of me, while being conscious about what lies around. I know how to use my words. I know what steps I need to take. I can fully trust the process because I already know, it's all going to turn out just right!

By now, i believe I've convinced you to be you, to trust yourself, to be kind and grateful, think positive thoughts, adore yourself and to be receptive to the best possible outcome....and love animals of course...

And yes,.... each time you catch yourself submitting to a pessimistic thought, i bet you'd remember me.

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....Clearly, i haven't written these journal entries throughout the entire year. I revisited each month, each centre, each event all over again while i chalked out this narrative. I lived through those moments again, this time knowing that it has all been for the sake of my evolution. I wasn't as spontaneous to have written everything down each night, obviously I've constructed the whole thing over the past 10 days ever since i enrolled...

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..... THANK YOU beautiful reader!

By KS