By Sheen Khurdi
This numbness is ceaseless
Vehemently creeping under my skin
Wrapping around my every nerve and vein
Slowly taking over my whole being
Heavier than it has ever been.
Even with eyes open wide
I see nothing but hues of gray
Fleeting shades of blue and yellow,
As they say, “Hello, there”,
I put my head back down
Sinking into the murk again.
While the whole worlds a blur
I can hear them hush, whisper loudly,
The fog parts slightly, as someone calls my name
“Good morning”, it’s always the same
Trying not to engage so, no one asks
About the clouds above my face.
I smile, I laugh, a hollow chuckle
My eyes must match the vacant rhythm,
No one must see, no one must know
For my reasons just aren’t enough.
I wonder if I have deceived them yet?
I wonder if I can walk away?
Slithering over my heavy heart
This numbness, it never goes away.
I must not have fooled her though
My friend came running as I made my escape
“Are you okay?” She asked, frowning
My tongue became lead and my throat inflamed,
Dare I try to unburden myself?
Would anyone really care?
Is this another charade I’ve yet to learn,
Or a formality I must replay and relay?
Scared for my life, I could feel my heart thumping
I shook my head, my hands quivering
She saw right through me, the voices feared,
When she asked, “What’s wrong?” I said,
“Just a little gloom, can’t explain.”
“There must be a reason?” She questioned me again.
How could I explain, how could I divulge,
Something that I couldn't even understand.
“No reason, just a bad day.” I tried
She looked at me again, sighing slight
“You’re always like this.” She rolled her eyes
I heard the snake laugh, wrapping itself tight
“No reason at all.” I muttered, still hoping
A fleeting moment, a flame still burning.
“No one can be so sad for no reason.” She said,
So callous, unknowing and feebly
“I'm fine, no worries.” I voiced and passed
My throat constricted and shrugging meekly
Convincing them all with my smiling mask.
She never asked me again, she couldn’t be bothered
Neither did anyone else, nor myself.
May be if I had invented a reason,
May be if I had begged her for help,
May be if I hadn’t woken up this way,
I wouldn’t be standing here today.
A ledge so tall, the ground nowhere to be seen
The numbness suffocating my very being
The clouds heavy, gasping for breath
As I closed my eyes, wishing for nothing at all,
To never be this empty, yet full of darkness
Unafraid, somehow lighter than before
At least it will all be over for sure.
*This World Mental Health day, let us vow not to ask for reasons, but weigh our words and help without being asked.*
By Sheen Khurdi
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