By Ramilyn Delposo
“Life begins at 40!”
That’s what they said. I never understood that statement until the day I talked to myself, “You
have let someone else drive your life for the last 13 years. There were roads to places you didn’t
know, but still, you were delighted to be on those roads because you loved and trusted the driver.
It didn’t matter what kind of places you were going to or how long the trip would take you there
as long as you were with him. And my, didn’t the experience blow your mind? It sure did! Hearts
danced with the laughter you shared together. Minds bonded while talking about great ideas that
were important to him - values and principles that you yourself embraced willingly. You’ve
created beautiful memories that would last a lifetime. Yet, during those times and places, and in
brief moments, you also found yourself staring at the vastness of the horizon when no one was
watching. Only that your eyes were not searching for something. In fact, you weren’t seeing
anything. You were staring at a blank canvas. So you closed your eyes. You felt light. It seemed
like a part of you was drifting. You believed it was your soul, more confused than ever before,
waiting for you to set its course, unable to discern whether to stay or go. For a few seconds, you
felt like a parakeet, so vibrant and colourful, but caged. The cage appeared to be medium size -
big enough to spread your wings but small enough to do just that. You longed to flap them and
flap them more. To know how it felt to have the wind beneath them taking you to places you
wanted to be. For you had dreams. Dreams that no others could make come true for you. In fact,
you realized even before that your dreams were yours alone, and you didn’t expect others to
fulfil them for you. You had to do it yourself. Suppose you had support, the better. But if there
were none, it was fine as well. But you had to do it yourself. Else you were afraid, too afraid, that
one day, you would blame someone else, not your inability to take charge, for being unhappy and
dissatisfied because you were a coward to go out of your comfort zone and from your sheltered
life.
“But then, you never really had the courage to do it. Perhaps, you loved him so much you
couldn’t imagine a life without him. Or was it the comfort of his presence in your life that made
you stay? You felt safe and secure with him around you, were you not? You didn’t have the
answer then. You were torn between materialising your dreams without him supporting you and
staying with him, loving him the way you only knew how and letting your dreams remain as
dreams. So you accepted the fate you carved for yourself. After all, you believed that your
destiny was yours to write. And you seemed okay with what you have been carving all these
years.
“And then, She came! She showed you the other side of love. The side you only knew in theory.
The side you thought would only remain as a theory. So it caught you off guard when you saw it
right before your eyes. It made you uncomfortable when you had to experience it first-hand. It
never occurred to you that you’d come face-to-face with it in your lifetime. Your first reaction
was defence. You told him you don’t like it. That the situation ripped you of your peace of mind.
His response pierced your heart. ‘If you don’t like it, you can leave!’ he said. His words tore you
apart. They shattered your already half-torn heart into a thousand pieces. Yet you fought all your
might, battling with your logic. ‘It’s not wrong to love more than one person, is it?’
“You knew the right answer. So you stayed and witnessed that love unfold before you.
“A year passed in a fillip of a finger. You thought you were okay with it. You thought you have
conquered that discomfort. You thought you had risen above society’s norm. After all, love does
that, you told yourself so convincingly. And you loved him! Your reason told you it was the right
thing to do. So you conceded. How wrong you were! There seemed to be something in her that
you couldn’t fully accept. Or maybe it was you all along. You were not ready to change and
embrace something so new to you. You were not ready. At all.
“The roofs of your sheltered life started to come off as though they were blown by wanton
winds. That blank canvas you were staring at some time ago flashed before you once again. But
this time, your hands weren’t empty. On your right was a paintbrush and on the other was a
palette of colours. You looked at the blank page. As if your hand had a mind of its own, it wrote
two words: ‘Take charge.’
“So you woke up one morning. Decided! Determined! It was time to take the keys and place
your hands on the steering wheels, for life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in
someone else’s hand. It was time to be no longer the passenger you thought yourself to be but the
driver of your own destiny.”
By Ramilyn Delposo
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