By Shravani Shetty
"Wow you got a scholarship at Harvard University. That's amazing!"
"Yeah, I guess it is."
"Come on now don't act so serious. You have achieved something, there is no harm in being over joyed for once."
I myself couldn't believe that I got the scholarship. I achieved something for which I worked so hard and yet I don't feel a thing. Looking at my friend so happy for me I started to question myself.
"How is she so happy for me that I achieved my goal and how am I not feeling anything?"
I took a deep breath and started to focus on the project I was working on, after all it has to be an excellent project if I want to score the highest. I sat day and night working on the project, and scored the highest and still I felt nothing but tired and worried for the future. So engrossed in performing well in academy that I was least interested in attending any kinds of gathering with family or friends and they never forced me thinking that it was my will but deep down in my brain I didn't even know why I would do such a thing. All my focus was worth enough to get a good rank in school and side by side I somehow managed to be good at sports at the same time. Slowly my popularity increased so much that I was termed as 'The perfect kid' in school, all teachers used me as an example, all students wanted to be in my friend circle, all my juniors wanted to learn from me. My life was good, but slowly I started to have some competitions, some students started to focus on how they could reach my level or score better than me. I started to take things more seriously than ever. My one and only friend also asked me not to mind them and focus on being satisfied but I was so frustrated about that fact that I couldn't help but let my frustrations out on her. Slowly but surely I realised that there were tension between me and my friend but I didn't change, I still let my frustrations on her. Of course she left, I mean who wants to be treated like that from a friend you care so much about. I felt like an idiot for doing that. My grades started to go down, my academic performance started to decline, I was being side lined. My parents were very concerned thinking that their son needs therapy but I wasn't bothered about it. I managed to come back on my track, managed to keep up with the tag of being the 'perfect kid'. After this I graduated from school and started to prepare for my life ahead in Harvard. All of a sudden I remembered her. My friend who was no longer a friend after how I treated her. I took my phone and texted her to check whether she's doing all right. A few days passed but I got no reply. I was very much frustrated and decided to write it in my diary to relieve my stress. Woke up the next day way more frustrated and I knew that I can't push myself any further, I was on the verge of giving up. I bought myself some pills. Stood in front of the mirror and whispered to myself some sentences that I wrote in my diary.
“Am I perfect? First of all, do perfect humans exist? Do they have feelings? How do they feel when they achieved what they want? Does this lonely, empty feeling indicate perfection in oneself? Do perfect people hesitate to say their last words? Do perfect people hesitate to take their life's last steps? Do perfect people......hesitate to end their lives? Do perfect people....know what they will do in their life ahead? How do perfect.....people interact with friends and family? Do perfect people have answers to all these questions? I am guilty for how I treated her, I want to apologise but it is not a mistake as I have repeated it again and again, I wonder how she must have felt about it, I failed to express what I was going through but still she tried her best to comfort me, she was my supporter and I am an idiot."
I took out one of the pills in my hand and closed my eyes saying……
"I am sorry my friend for treating you like that. I am sorry Dad, Mom that I couldn't do well and couldn't keep up with much of your expectations. I am sorry dear me, but I am done with this life and I am giving up on you and this life."
"Oh really?"
I felt a chill in my spine and dropped the pill. I saw myself in the mirror and I even saw her reflection on the mirror. She was leaning on the door frame with her arms crossed. I turned around and looked at her, her eyes says everything, the grudge and the concern she has for me at this moment, it was very well visible. I could say that if I would have paid more attention in reading her feelings through her beautiful eyes....I would have never thought of ending my life in the first place. She started to come closer to me. She saw the suicide pill lying on the floor and before I could say a word she slapped me. So hard that I came back to my senses. I don't remember what happened after that but I can say....that slap saved me. After all that happened I can say that I am now about to live as a human and not as a 'perfect human'. She made me realise that fact that there is a difference between being a perfect robot with no flaws and in being an expert who learns from their mistakes. She gave me a reason to live again, I don't think I can ever return this favour in any way to her.
By Shravani Shetty
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