Venus In The Head

By Anaya Pawar

Hey there, welcome! In case you’re wondering who’s greeting you and what place this is, no need to  worry. I don’t intend to make your life miserable, which means I’m not going to keep you in suspense  anymore. I’m Venus, a guardian angel, and Tara’s my “angee”. I learned there’s this convention that  

humans use to define certain relationships. There’s a “mentor” and then there’s his “mentee”,  “trainer “and a “trainee” and likewise. I’d imagined Tara rolling on the floor laughing about how  dorky it was of me to call her “angee”. But unfortunately, that day has still not arrived. In fact, I’ve  been with Tara for over a year now and she just doesn’t listen to me. No, she’s not a spoilt brat who  throws tantrums, wants things her way and just doesn’t listen to me or anybody for that matter. The  problem is, she doesn’t listen to me because she can’t hear me……. 

This whole thing caused me to have an emotional breakdown that my colleagues and friends  invalidated almost immediately upon learning about it. Apparently it is quite an uncommon problem among the angel community, the problem of not being able to communicate seamlessly with their  “assignments” (To be honest, I believe I did a better job naming Tara something that doesn’t make  her sound like a file on an office table!). They told me it was all ‘in my head’ and I was just not trying  enough. In my defense I did say “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth  should that mean that it is not real.” Tara repeats it so often that it’s stuck in my head!! Alas, none of  them seemed to know the reference! Not even a single soul (angelic soul, obviously!). To conclude, my  friends were of no help and this guardian angel is now in need of a guardian angel of her own! 

I don’t know where to begin with when it comes to Tara’s behavioral anomalies. Since my arrival I’ve  never seen her leave her room. And I checked with the placement cell of GAS (Guardian Angels  Services), she had locked herself up in her room 6 months prior to that. As a matter of fact, this was  one of the primary reasons of me being deployed here. I wish they had helped me out with more  background information but you see times are tougher now than ever, everyone is in need of atleast  one guardian angel. Employees at GAS are having to work overtime due to this which is making them  less efficient, less helpful and a lot crankier and more frustrated. So I figured it was better to make  most of whatever I had at my disposal.  

But the thing that bothers me the most is she keeps receiving packages that have neither sender’s  address nor name. She just keeps staring at them and contemplating. I’m not a cleanliness freak as  such but it has reached to a point where I don’t know if there’d be enough space for her to even be  

able to open the door to receive them and I --- wait a second. What is happening…….am I  hallucinating?? Have I finally completely gone insane? Insane to the point where something I so  desperately wanted to happen is happening right in front of me but I’m not able to tell whether it’s  real or in my head. 

As you all know, I witnessed a historic moment a while ago. I reckoned people would flood in as soon  as they saw the open door. But the door has experienced nothing different since then, nobody has  stepped in or out of it. I wonder if anybody will ever enter that -----“Hey………..” 

Venus, too stunned to continue writing, looked over her shoulder nervously to see who this ‘Hey’  had been directed towards. Keeping herself together seemed a daunting task for her as soon as she  realized that ‘Hey’ was indeed for her. Tara tried to comfort Venus as she sobbed uncontrollably but  all her efforts seemed to just ignite Venus’ passion for crying. She was so happy to have been  recognized, she felt like she was finally seen, heard, and noticed.

After 3 long hours when Venus had finally got her emotional stability back, Tara started.  

“I know you’ve been trying to reach out to me, consistently and persistently. I’ve hated my guts since  I was a kid for precisely this reason. I don’t let people help me, I shut them off and isolate despite  knowing that I need them, I need them to be by my side, for as long as they can, for as long as  they’re willing to! But all I do is push them away, I’m unacceptably rude and hurtful to them without  ever meaning it. I’m in no way justifying my behaviour. Contrary to that I’m quite ashamed of it and  can’t bear living like this anymore than I already have. Which is why I’ve decided to take this step for  myself and for my loved ones, I need help and I want you to help me, please!! 

“Ofcourse I’ll help you…that is what I’m here for but wait oh my--” Venus tried to take a breath and  keep her pace slow so as to give Tara time to make sense of the words she just uttered . “I know who  you’re”, Tara said rather shyly. “You’re my guardian angel. The costume is quite different from what  we humans are conventionally familiar with but still recognizable.” Venus gazed at Tara with beaming  eyes. Anybody could tell she was impressed with Tara and adored her even though it’d been only 10  minutes into the conversation. 

Both of them tried small talk for a while and none of them was disappointed that they failed at it  terribly. “I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 3 years ago” Tara said, finally summoning the courage  to speak after a significantly long spell of silence. Venus leaned towards Tara trying to let her know  telepathically that she was very eager to get to know her story. “It is type 1 diabetes and nobody in  family has it”. Venus looked at Tara rather puzzled. “So no family history?” she enquired. “Yes,  doctors were pretty surprised too but they had an answer. Putting body under way too much  pressure triggers your autoimmune system and has an adverse effect on it. I remember panicking  about my boards and competitive exams in 11th and 12th grade. I was good at multiple things in  addition to studies but I never tried to pursue them since I’d thrived on academic validation ever  since I was a kid. I knew others perceived me as a scholar and I for some inexplicable reason felt the  compulsion to maintain this image and live up to everybody’s expectations. I didn’t want to  disappoint my parents and anybody else who believed in me.” “Sorry to cut in but do you also  happen to take everything personally?” Venus asked. Tara looked down at her hands, fidgeting. 

“Sometimes things are not directed towards you and you still end up taking the blame. Irrespective  of whose story it is to tell you jump to conclusions thinking it must’ve been your fault somehow, have you ever done this Tara?” Venus asked softly. Tara, still not able to meet Venus’ eyes, scanned the  room first and gave Venus a look filled with guilt. Venus too looked at all the anonymous packages  and gave Tara a reassuring look, letting her know that she had got the answer. “You need to let go of  all of them Tara, they were not meant for you to sit upon, they weren’t meant for anyone actually.  They should have been just let out into the universe. You need to learn to differentiate between  things that should be taken personally and the ones that are just a consequence of people’s  frustrations due to their own struggles.”  

“I let everyone down Venus, I failed to qualify in my competitive exams. I let the stress get the best of  me, I succumbed.” Tara had tears in her eyes and struggled to get another word out of her mouth.  Venus hugged her tightly in an attempt to transfer the warmth of it as quickly as possible. “Doctors  speculated it was because of this stress and poor lifestyle, lack of sleep, good food and exercise that  caused the immune system to dysfunction. I was put on insulin immediately. What followed was a  ton of changes in my physical, mental, and emotional health. Quite contrary to how I’d imagined, I  responded well to changes like weight loss/gain, hair loss, pale skin etc and didn’t let them shake my  confidence much. What nobody had told me was the toll it was going to take on my mental and  emotional health. Due to hormonal imbalance, I went through a spectrum of moods and emotions 

every single day. I was neither a good daughter nor a good friend at this point, I’d say I was the worst  person to be around. I’d snap at the smallest of things, even at a mere “Hi” from someone. I’ve never  hated anyone in my life as much as I’ve hated myself since. My parents tried to reach out to me  relentlessly and every time they did that, I pushed them farther away from me, making them believe  in the most upsetting and nasty way possible that I didn’t need them or anybody else for anything.” 

“Papa passed away last year……….” Tara broke down completely and bawled her eyes out. Venus  didn’t leave her side for a second and didn’t interrupt either. She knew this was much needed. She  was well aware of the fact that Tara had to let it all out to get out of the space she had been dwelling  in all the while. “I can never forgive myself for not reconciling with him. I can’t change the last  memory I have of him and what breaks my heart even more is the realization that the last memory  he got to have of me would come from the worst phase of my life”. Tara was not in the state to talk  more. She laid in Venus’ lap, snuggling and shifting sides. After a couple of hours when she had  finally gone to sleep, Venus slowly adjusted her on the bed and pulled the quilt over her. “Thanks for  opening your heart to acknowledge my presence and putting your faith in me. Thanks for opening  that door, I’ll help you out in making your mother and friends comfortable again to enter it whenever  they want to know what’s going inside that tiny head of yours. Time machine hasn’t been invented  so you don’t have the access to past and future yet and can peacefully live in the present.” As soon  as she said the last line she regretted it. “Damn! I should have said this to her when she was awake,  what a beautiful line I came up with!!” she mumbled. “Never mind, I’ll tell her later alongside the  story of what and how I named her.” 

Sorry guys I totally forgot about you. You would not know there was a gap in between anyway. I’ll  update you guys with everything asap but for now I just want to let you know that things are looking  good and I’m having a great time here. Oh, I also forgot to tell you what place this is. This is my  journal. Venus’ journal. Yes, we guardian angels need to journal too! It is a testimony to the fact that  human behaviour is extremely complex and helping them out requires us to keep a note of absolutely  everything we get to know about them, we describe them to the tiniest detail possible and on some  occasions end up losing our peace in the process. So, what do we do? We journal! And what should  you do when countless thoughts race in your head so fast that they start getting into accidents?  Journal!!!!!

By Anaya Pawar