By Ayushi Bhansali
"To err is human, to forgive divine." – Alexander Pope
We have at least once experienced intense grief and held someone responsible for it. It might be due to something as tiny as leaving a pen on the bed or as huge as cheating. These actions draw a reaction from us that spoil our mood and impact us in a way that we often underestimate. But we all want tranquility in our lives. I might know a way to do so. Read on to find out.
Every spiritual or religious teaching promotes forgiveness. It is even backed up by science. When we're wronged, we look for revenge. It is unhealthy and energy-consuming. We often allow the resentment to stew in ourselves. It turns into bitterness and hatred. It makes our thoughts poisonous. We, in turn, become bitter. I have encountered people with venomous personalities. I generally avoided such company but now I understand that there would have been a series of events that led up to them being the way they have become.
The real barrier to forgiveness is our pride and vanity. It is a difficult pill to digest but that is how life is. Once we learn to conquer it, the battle with unrest in us is almost over. We fail to understand that forgiveness and apologising lead to happiness and empowerment. I want to share how I find it best to go about it.
First things first, you need to acknowledge that you are not okay. That this isn't the best state you can be in. You need to release your angst. You don't find the solution to a problem without admitting that it exists in the first place.
You should try to actively replace the negative feelings with positive ones. Or if not positive, you should try to displace it entirely. I know it is easier said than done. But if you consciously no longer wish for anything bad to happen to them then it gets easier to subconsciously do that too.
The next step is the difficult one where you are not emotionally drawn towards vengeance. You need to let go of your resentment. It is a laborious step and definitely not an easy one. Now, each individual may have different methods to go about this step so you have to find what is suitable to your needs. My recommendation is that you learn to forgive small things and regularly first, before diving into the big ones. One advantage of doing it regularly is that you get used to letting go and it gets easier to make peace with bigger issues.
What helps me the most is writing it down. Venting is something I draw comfort from and it has proven to be useful in the past. Whenever I am consumed by my feelings, writing them down has always helped me gain a better perspective. More times than not, I have realised the whole thing was my fault entirely. And, if you're not insecure, you can talk to your acquaintance. Sometimes we need other people to point out what is right in front of us.
There may or may not be times when you end up revisiting the trauma but you have to repeat the steps to make sure you are at peace with yourself at least. I mean, isn't it just easier when you don't have a kill list before going to sleep? (I'm only kidding, maybe.)
Another useful tip I have for you is that if you address your shortcomings, it's easier to understand the point of view of your wrong-doer. This ultimately allows you to forgive them easily.
We're all humans and we're bound to make mistakes. It is what we do next that sets us apart from the rest. I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight holding no grudges against anyone. (Although, I probably should. Some people genuinely have hurt me.)
While we're on the subject of forgiving others, it is equally important to forgive yourself. It is not often talked about or even recognised but sometimes we hold on to our anger against ourselves. It might be because of any failure or redundancy. But you cannot attain inner peace if you don't learn to let go. Now, it doesn't mean you forgive yourself and shield yourself from every mistake you make. Repentance is equally significant. This is a complex process that requires attention and care. I hope you are willing to do that for your well-being.
When I say forgiveness is crucial, I don't mean that it is all there is. You shouldn't be forgiving everything and letting people walk all over you. It is called the doormat effect. Forgiving undeserving people who keep repeating their mistakes lead to low self-esteem. It makes the whole process of forgiving useless, detrimental even. So, you need to make sure that you are putting your emotional needs above that of others in such cases.
With all this said, you need to be willing to put in the effort. Rome wasn't built in a day and it might take years to finally get used to this practice. But I promise you it is all worth the hassle. No pain, no gain. The soothing calmness makes it worthwhile. Forgiveness is the oil required for the smooth functioning of human relationship machines. It maintains and cures in the long run. So, what is holding you back now? Mend as many relationships as you can. Life is uncertain. It is too short to be living with regrets.
By Ayushi Bhansali
Comments