Women Betraying Women

By Sanskriti Arora

The first person I ever defended was my mother. I have been defending her in arguments against the men of my family since I was seven years old. I have defended her and other women since before I was a woman; before I could even defend myself. I did not understand the claustrophobia experienced by women under a patriarchal structure, but I did know that it was wrong; I knew they were wrong about me.

“You are a supporter of terrorism!” says Adichie in reference to being a feminist, in her TED Talk ‘We all should be feminists,’ and her tone makes everyone laugh. But, she is correct. I believe that feminists are freedom fighters for women as the Hamas are for Palestine. The world I live in often muddles definitions to protect colonial and capitalist structures, it rarely matters if it is country under siege, or a sex. If you win, you probably belong in neither.

In April, during one of our classes, we were asked to write a few lines to describe ourselves as a quick task of thinking about our potential manifestos. I wrote, “I am just an angry girl in a room.” A girl's room, I believe, is a womb, and my foremost job is to absorb everything that happens on the internet and the world and be angry about it. And the most recent thing that has made me enraged is the ‘man or bear?’ argument. A man holding a mic in the street asks various women if they would prefer to be alone in a forest with a man or a bear. Unsurprisingly, for me as a woman, almost all women chose the bear. I then read a hundred comments from men feeling betrayed that women did not choose them. A man hopes the bear would eat me when I swiftly answered bear, and I did too.

As I was thinking for an appropriate title for my essay, I decided to type a potential title into the search tab, and to my surprise, it was already a part of a book title. Christina Hoff Sommers begins her book, ‘Who Stole Feminism? How Women Have Betrayed Women,’ by an attack instead of an introduction. She sets out to prove every statistic quoted by “gender feminists,” a term she created to refer to feminists who do not see the world through her privileged perception, as simply wrong or inflated. The preface of her book alone tells the reader that the woman who claims that the “gender feminists” are falsifying the notion that sexism exists in our society and she tries to convince the reader of the same. The attack on women is fictional, and it is not as bad as it seems, she suggests.

Sommers discredits Gloria Steinem’s claim that “in this country alone…150,000 females die of anorexia each year.” (P. 13) She “called the American Anorexia and Bulimia Association and spoke to Dr. Diane Mickley, its president. “We were misquoted,” she said.” (p. 14) I must express my relief at the knowledge that these many women have not lost their lives due to anorexia, that is, if Sommers is telling the truth. Did Sommers ever receive a written confirmation that this statistic is wrong? “Gender feminists” like myself will never know. I only wish to question her intentions behind the disregard of other feminists. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, in her TED Talk ‘We should all be feminists,’ says, in the context of waiters not acknowledging and thanking the man even when the woman tips them. “The waiters are products of a society that has taught them that men are more important than women. And I know that waiters don’t intend any harm. But it’s one thing to know intellectually and quite another to know emotionally.” It is this very unemotional and futile arguments presented by, surprisingly, women that makes me question their indoctrination.

It is this disdain of the “battery of pregnant women” in the next study she quotes is even more shocking. What can one gain by disproving the suffering of domestic violence survivors? Though the statistic might be untrue, it is again, her intentions that anger me. In a society where women have to plead and beg to be heard by and believed, Sommers chooses to attack other women.

A much more recent version of Sommers, though without a PhD, exists on YouTube, namely Hannah Pearl Davis, or more popularly called ‘Pearl.’ She is a white, rich, conservative Youtuber who claims a seat on various podcasts and announces that feminism has ruined society. Her most popular takes involve if women should be allowed to divorce, even in an abusive relationship, because according to her statistics are inflated and women, in general, are liars.

The “trad wife” supporters wish for society to go back to the days when women could only belong in the kitchen; their thoughts shock people to the extent that articles with titles, such as ‘Is Pearl Davis Serious?’ can be found on the internet. She is the prime example of a woman reaping the benefits of feminism while spiting in its face.  She appears for one of the interviews with Ethan Klein, the host of H3 Podcast, The irony is not lost on most people though, Pearl sits in a comfortable black leather chair usually used for online gaming, which is a predominantly male area, and speaks in a mic that has been popularised by men who started such podcasts as she spits on feminism. She betrays the very women who have fought for her to have rights and continue to do so. This is my reality.

Closer to home, in 2013, a Bollywood movie called Queen made a significant mark on Hindi cinema due to its bold feminist writing.  The plot revolves around the journey of a woman, namely Rani Mehra, played by Kangana Ranaut, who decides to go on her honeymoon alone after being abandoned by her fiancé. Everyone close to her is shocked by this avowal. As she travels through France, she meets a single mother named Vijayalakshmi, played by Lisa Haydon, who works at a hotel. Rani is baffled to see her sexually liberated lifestyle and they end up becoming great friends.

Well, after a year of the release of the movie, Lisa told Times of India in an interview, “I don't like the word feminist. I don't think women trying to be men is feminism. I also don't believe in being outspoken for the sake of it, or just to prove a point. Feminism is just an overused term and people make too much noise about it for no reason. Women have been given these bodies to produce children, and the spirit and tenderness to take care of people around us. It is fine to be an outspoken and working woman. I don't want to be a man. One day I look forward to making dinner for my husband and children. I don't want to be a career feminist.”

Most people were disappointed after hearing her complacent and ignorant opinions after playing an iconic character in a movie that means a lot to people. South Asian women, especially, have unrealistic demands weighing on their shoulders, so when a woman in an influential position makes such a remark, you have to take a step back in disbelief and, of course, anger. Lisa’s take on feminism is blatantly disgusting. To think that she would have taken up on the character of Vijayalakshmi because of her own beliefs, it was almost natural. but listening to her speak such disdainful things about feminists made the world a little more dystopian. Bollywood actresses have often described feminists as ‘man-haters’, and it often comes to mind that education and experiences do not link up.

I have no qualms in admitting that I love to make noise just for the sake of it, as noise is the only weapon I have. I do not feel joyous in taking care of people around me all the time, especially if it is a responsibility forced upon me. It is these very patriarchal notions of the true purpose of a woman that press down on my neck. Expectations are knives stuck in a woman’s chest – I have seen my mother running to impress all of our relatives while my father can sit and chat? I have read many articles by women from around the world, on every app, and it frustrates me to realise that women have had the same negative experiences for generations. How is it that every mother I have ever heard of has had the exact same life?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie talks about the “danger” of the single story, but most women have a single story, although binary; it is either fighting with women or against women. This is in now way devaluing the glorious and varied experiences of women, but this has been my experience whenever I meet a new woman. I hear hesitation or confirmation when I mention a feminist argument in front of women. It is almost as if I am checking whether they are on my team or not. This calls for the mention of my first and only group project of the year. My group mates were all asian women, and we were meeting up to decide the agenda of our Writer’s Collective. I had assumed that we had acknowledged that we were all Asian women living in a white country, and hence, our very existence as well as our passions for writing would lead us to form a political Writer’s Collective. But when I suggested we lead with feminism in our collective’s manifesto, I noticed hesitation. They wanted to fit in. I wanted to fight. With their hesitant grins, the three disagreed with me. And yet again, I had to calm down and agree with the rest of the three women. The only thing I could think of was – betrayal.

And it is especially astonishing when women in positions of influence and power view women as “other women,” as if womanhood can ever be separated. I feel pity and anger. My friends and I often talk about forgiving such women because they are under the hypnosis of a male dominated system. But when highly educated, so-called modern women fail to understand the importance of feminism, I think it is safe to say that I will not be forgiving them.

So if the men support men and women support men, whom do I have? Whom does seven-year-old me have? Precisely no one, as I have rarely received the support I have distributed, especially when it comes to my mother.

It is extremely lonely to be in a home and society where women must hide behind the fear of being seen as hating on men while only trying to share their personal experiences.

Moreover, my creative piece, ‘The Dancing Beast,’ speaks more on the plight of feminists. The loneliness one experiences, not just from the world, but also from your own family. I have attempted to create free verse poetry, such as ‘Autobiography of Red,’ by Anne Carson. I have also attempted certain creative tools, such as breaking the formation and structure to showcase chaos inside the poems.

‘The man finally emerged from the

dark, just as the light of dawn illuminated his face. It was their teacher.

The girls stood with their mouths agape. They could

not help but bow.

They had not seen him in years. He started tapping his hands

on the beats of the taal they had been

taught for years. The girls, as if hypnotised, tapped their feet

and went to stand on their side.

Now, it was her, alone, against her own mother. Jump!

Said the master, and the dog bit off

half of the hanging girl’s body. Her blood splashed on Katyayani, bathing

her hair red, as well. But not in victory.’ (lines 239-250)

To highlight the last section of the last poem, it displays how women are often, literally, the guard dogs of Patriarchy, and their indoctrination, often, results in the loss of true progress for feminism.

By Sanskriti Arora