promises and apologies to myself

I owe you an apology.
For all the times that I said you weren’t enough or your scars were something to ashamed of, I owe you an apology.
The times I was being way too hard on you because you could not be the way they were or you weren’t a perfect fit for something when I should’ve given you the care you deserve, I owe you an apology.
The times when you cried yourself to sleep and you needed someone to hold on to, I should have been there.
I should have been there to rock you and put you to sleep, and while you slept, I should have been there mending the wounds that you hid away from the world.
But I kept on making you combat your flaws that I forgot resting is vital, too.
I thought I was making you stronger.

You were in there with your hands trembling, wanting to let go of the things I was making you hold on to, not realising that it hurts more to hold on than letting go.
And one day, I guess the rope broke.
As it broke and the impact made you fall back, I realised that I have not been the person you deserved to be with.
But I refuse to let you go.

I’m taking your hand in mine to walk the adversities and bloom through it, together. The same way Maa carried Papa’s hand for the 30 years they were together.
Though they had each other, fret not, you have me.

Even if you’ve built a wall so high that no one can climb, I’ll bring down the bricks.
Even in the cloudy night when there’s not a single star in vision, I’ll light up a candle, again and again.
I refuse to let you go.

I accept to honour the things you’ve done for me, especially holding on to me for so long instead of just giving up.
I know that sometimes things happen to you and make you believe that you deserved it, but no, it’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
You deserve the best of the best and I, now, acknowledge that you are the baddest badass yet the kindest soul the world could ever have.

So, let’s take this journey as we bloom, fall, rest and grow. Together.
Together, as we run, walk, crawl and move, you have me.
And I? You.

No matter if you have no one to ask you how you feel.
No matter if you have to be alone with these burdens in a heap.
No matter if… no matter what.

Though my words could never be enough to suffice the promises I make to you, I’ll be here, no matter how many times you try to give up. Because at the end of the day, all that we are is all that we need.

And to the person who’s reading this, I hope you give the due apology you deserve to yourself.

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