Slumber

It’s nibbling me from the inside, tearing me apart into pieces day by day, killing me slowly from within. It’s making me hollow, as if I have nothing left inside, as if I have nothing to me, no reason to be happy or smile. I have everything I need, every person that can care for me, every reason to make me wanna live for a thousand years. But still there’s this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of pain, of heartache, of guilt, of I don’t know what. It has no valid reason to stay but there it is, popping up every time I lay back in my bed. Bringing all sorts of negative thoughts to my mind, all the bad experiences of my life back. I am living them again and again and it is suffocating me. I can’t breathe, I can’t think sober, I can’t process anything properly. Any good thing around me diverts me temporarily. But this vicious cycle just continues. It is as if I am choking on my own thoughts. I want to tell someone about it, I really want to.
There’s a strong urge of letting open the clog whenever I talk to someone. My heart so badly wants to be heard. But then this feeling arises in my stomach. The feeling of fear. Fear that no one will understand if I say. Fear that I might just ruin someone’s mind with the poison bubbling within me. Fear I might scar someone’s heart with the dagger that’s forming within me. The same dagger that stabs me everyday. Fear that someone might just walk away after knowing how toxic I am. So I already want to push everyone away. Everyone that cares for me, everyone that loves me, everyone that’s been my support since ages. Why should I be the reason of their concern? Why should I be the one that takes their smiles away? Why should I push them in a rabbit hole of worries and dilemma and emotional trauma? Why should I make their lives hell for no absolute reason at all? I wanna push them away.
And I want to go in a deep slumber, numb and peaceful. A slumber that ends all these thoughts of mine. A slumber that takes away all the pain and heartache. A slumber that strangles this feeling within me and relieves me of this mania. A slumber that will relieve everybody of their worries for me. A slumber that will stop these hot tears down my cheeks, that will stop the shaking of my limbs and the knot that forms in my stomach, that will melt the lump in my throat away, that will just stop the beating of my heart altogether. I want to go in a slumber.

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