Somehow.. Embrace Me Again!

Our meeting is our destiny
Your love is my journey
Your loss in my life is a tragedy
Somehow we conquered your pain

I am happy

We will meet daily at the bank of my tears…
We are eternally walking together in my hearts garden

Don’t worry… I am not in pain…

But promise me that you will, somehow, embrace me again… embrace

me again…

 
I burnt her…
She is in the process of becoming ashes and there I found peace.
I didn’t want to cremate her I wanted to burn her, so did I. All
these series of events might have turned me into a psychopath
but I seriously believe that it’s good to burn her. She lives in
me forever but I want to kill her pain. I want to torture her
unspoken agony. Maybe it’s my way of answering my helplessness
and inability to nullify her trauma. I want to burn every
nightmare of her and I did so. All these days she lived in agony
I have never seen a brave heart like her nor will I ever be. But
after a long tragic night, she finally uttered those words that
will be echoing in my life forever….
 

I want you to see bright days even if I am not present
I will be looking after you; I will wait for you; I will meet

you there…

We will meet at some other level field where there will be no

boundaries…

I want to have one last lovely night with you….

Don’t worry I will be alive in your thoughts but I want to die

in your hands…
Please….Take out my life….

*  *  *  *

 Fire is eating her flesh,
Even air is feeling that heat…
The best part of my life is burning there…

Strangely, this insignificant other part is witnessing this…
At the same time, I am surfing on those uncontrollable tides of

our memories…

All those college days melted in our love. Marriage, settling
down, everything happened quickly. Years passed like days. After
many years of waiting and many consultations, we found our fate
in a bitter truth that we can never have children. It was hard
for us to overcome; it was even harder for her. We accepted that
and came to terms with it. She saw her son in me and I had a
daughter in her. We are children to each other. When we feel
that there is nothing left and when we accept that reality, only
then can we start living up to the full potential. We will find
a way to have a contentful heart. Even the same thing happened
to us and we started travelling around the world like there is
no tomorrow.

During one of those journeys, we married again, not once or
twice but five times. On her birthday we married in Hindu
catholic and Islamic traditions. On the next day, we married
twice in Norway’s native tribes’ traditional ways.

She likes rivers & waterfalls, I love mountains & greenery.

But everything forms part of mother earth
We are divided by our tastes

But unified by love… towards nature… towards us…

With the increase of places in our journey, even she used to
have frequent vomiting. Slowly, she started to have blood
vomiting and that too very often. We came back to India and
after many tests, doctors concluded that she was suffering from

stomach cancer that too final stage. All my inner worlds
collided. After 2 days I finally got myself back to my senses
and with the help of a nurse, I let her know everything. In that
hospital room, we sat there in silence. After some
minutes…“Everything will be fine”, she smiled at me.

Will everything ever be? I resisted a serious urge to cry. I
want to rest my head in her lap and cry as hard as possible. I
would have loved to die crying in her lap than to live seeing
her dying. Why always her? Why not me? Is it her test or my
punishment? I am bearing the curse of inability to cry and to be
relieved of pain but with her smile, she freed me from that
curse.  With her smile, she stopped everything. Always, she
rules me with her smiles. Somehow a tear slipped from my right
eye. “Please don’t cry, I can’t see you crying”, by saying this
and by caressing my cheeks she stopped me again. I could do
nothing, I hugged her hard. That cancer started to take its toll
on her; I can feel her loose embrace.
 
She’s a free soul. She’s the queen of freedom. She wanted me to
free her from that cage. Somehow we silently understood that
there’s no other way but….

We wanted to wage a war

Against time, that is relentless in tiring us….
Against fate which conspired against us

Against destiny that planned everything including result for us…
Between love & death, we know what we will be awarded and what

we eternally live with…

But we wanted to have warrior’s pride!!

To love is to Love with… no questions, no expectations,

untouchable faith

So if you are in a war for love then…. Just gamble with your

entire life…

We are sure to win… as with love there is no loss… as without

love, there is no life…

 
We left the hospital with many gift hampers in the form of
prescriptions and serious warnings that a little deviation from

planned routine & prescription can speed up her death. We enjoy
nature and we like to travel around the world. But we feel
warmth & safe only at our home.

On the first day after leaving the hospital, she felt peace.
She’s normal or rather acting normal for my sake. We spent hours
near our garden that she raised like her children. After some
days she bought a little pony, 2 rabbits and some puppies and
some cats. We all spend time together, we laugh together and we
speak to each other for hours. Everything seemed fine. But we
should understand that if everything seemed fine then seriously
there is a problem…

Time & death wanted to hear our love epic soon. So instead of
waiting, they are quick in greeting us. They are coming for us;
towards her, in the form of cancer and towards me in the form of
her situation. She’s the most beautiful girl I have ever met.
Her smile is the liveliest thing I could ever feel. Now she’s
becoming weak day by day. She lost her appetite and it’s
becoming hard for me to feed her some food to support medicines.
Previously, when she had any nightmare she would wake up
panicking like a little girl and in those little moments, I feel
good just by caressing her then.

But now, she would wake up in the middle of the night crying
hard with pain. She makes some serious sobs and she would fall
asleep on my shoulder after crying hard. All I could do is to
hug her hard as if I am going to crush her pain in my embrace.

Why can’t I crush and eat away her pain? This hungry heart,
thirsty and sleepless soul can eat her pain and live more… then
why can’t I? Why the pain is intangible? Why do we feel its
presence but its end is absence?

We never cry of helplessness…
Real helplessness is our inability to stop our beloved ones from
crying…
 
For the first time, I felt helplessness & hopelessness. I felt
weak and I hate those moments. It sent vibes of trauma down to
my spines. She is the only girl I spoke to. She is the only
person to whom I opened my heart. What’s with this situation?
It’s so unfair. Which sin caused me this punishment? What curse
is bearing its weight upon us? In which tragic story narration

did we got stuck? Days are passing with incomplete longing and
nights with her painful sobs. She couldn’t control her pain. But
she’s finding my situation unbearable. Then she finally spoke,
“Your priority shall be to love your love but not to cry for
your love darling… ”
“Priorities do change”, I spitted out
“Times change…  Emotions change; Priorities change. Love –
passion – feelings don’t. Priorities apply for materialistic
things like career, security, money etc.., love is eternal. It
sits on a throne at some other level field… beyond priorities.
Always you are everything for me. Life & death are nothing….
Your every smile can light an extra day in my life…. “
Saying that she looked straight into my eyes and I deciphered my
lessons.

Humans made living their top priority
For death, she was the top priority

For questions, reasonable answers shall be the top priority
To humans, in any form, love shall be the top priority
Always… for a human his/her feelings shall be the top priority…

because

If we don’t value our feelings then life doesn’t value us
If we feel something is final then it will be final, after all,

that’s what we feel and took a stance about…

In the face of life-changing hurdles, we should find reasonable

solutions but never shall discount our character
Never shall bargain with our feelings…
Never shall hurt our beautiful heart…
And its inner worlds… never!!

 
After some painful days, a day has come that I never thought
would arrive. She asked me to stop medicines. She wants me to
stop following the prescribed routine. She wants me to take her
life out… she wants me to murder her. I don’t want to do that
still I can never go against her and I did stop everything. And
the results are visible. She would faint and had a series of
sobs and vomiting, slowly it became hard for her to wake up and
she continued to have painful nights.
On one such night after serious and heavy sobs, instead of
laying her head on my shoulder, she fell into my lap. She
somehow balanced herself and started looking into my eyes. Even

I started to see into hers. They are as beautiful as ever; as
innocent as ever. Why did all this have to happen to her? I
broke the silence…
 
“Your cheeks are tender”, I said caressing her
“Don’t touch them!!”  She protested cutely with a smile…. As
always
For a minute it felt like everything is back to normal.
Amidst all this, we found a way to smile at each other…
 
 
She held my hands tightly. I took her close to my heart. She
embraced tighter this time. We became one flesh and one soul.
After some seconds, her embrace became loose and then completely
lost. I rested her head in my lap and by kissing her forehead; I
kissed her goodbye…..

  
I killed you

But you murdered my life too…
There is neither agony nor any journey
All I am left with is your ashes
But somehow smile embraced my face

And then I realized that your pain has ended finally,
Regarding me, my beloved, don’t worry I got you as my destiny
long back… now I shall savour you until I breathe this life.…

She will be living in me forever. I got to burn her pain &
agony. The long painful night is just over. Now she can smile
anytime. I can see her everywhere…
 

A single night is never enough to become one…

But for the time it all took one night to mortally separate us
for eternity…. But we are immortals for each other…..
From your ashes, I shall rise like a phoenix with our dreams as

wings and your feelings as the fire…

Eternally we are holding our hands and walking together in a

garden at some other level field….

Beyond time
Beyond life & death…

But while I am physically here, until I breathe this life,
embrace my pain like a never-ending rain that limitlessly

culminates into the land that it caresses…

 
 
It took a long for her pain to completely burn out….. I sat
there and started playing with her ashes as I do with her hair
every day. While the cool breeze is kissing us playfully I
caressed her one more time. Together we are looking up to the
sky, counting those stars and sharing our stories through
silence, as every night.

I am incomplete…

And then somehow the darkness, your thoughts and this moon

completed me…

I am not alone… you left me with pain… it will take care of me….
I am never alone… through all the nothingness, numbness and
nuanced silences of your parting, somehow you complete me….

But tell me…

With my self-destruction, with myself-indulged eternal flames
that burn this body and soul, can I complete you?!

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