The Invisible Affection

Papa, can you please get the walls of my room painted? Asked the little girl to her father. She loved bright coloured walls. Her father responded with a ‘hmmmm, okay we will see!’. The little girl, kept waiting and weeks passed by. There was no paint or painter to be seen anywhere. She was sad and felt the vacuum in her heart. She sat on the chair in her room and thought “A month back, when my elder sister complained about the extreme hot weather, Papa immediately got one air conditioner fixed in her room. She did not even ask for it, but still, he did it. Then why does he often turn down my request?” The little girl lied down on her bed and with teary eyes fell asleep hugging her pillow.

The little girl is a 30-year-old woman. Over the last 25 years, she felt love and yet did not feel it. She is a strong and independent woman. But despite that, for little things she has to wait for approval. She manages to do all her work by herself and also does part of every one else’s work. But the only thing she longs for at the end of the day is true affection. She seeks someone who would genuinely ask her “Is everything alright?”. Some one who could hug her and console that she deserves to be loved without any expectation.

This is the irony in her life. When you see from outside, she has everything that one could ever ask for. But not the affection she was longing for. No place where she could go and share her miseries, speak out her mind and cry her heart out. She felt this differentiation right from childhood. She always knew that no matter, there will always be a fine line drawn between her elder sibling and herself. She cannot complain about it, because it is invisible yet existing. So right from childhood she learnt to comfort herself, to stay tough and to not go and seek her love. Because if she did, she returned with an affection that was given, not so that it belonged to her but just because she asked for it. The emptiness within her only got deep with passing years. She was amidst everyone, yet so lonely. Her smile was contagious but her soul was so paralysed. The place she called home was only a residence for her. She would always ponder over why this happened to her?

Days, months and years passed by. She became her own armour. And for that reason, everyone assumed she doesn’t need anyone else. Everyone would squeeze every pound of her, but barely reciprocate. She was a perfect woman for others, yet so broken. And one fine day, she realised and questioned herself “Is it because I was supposed to be born as a boy?” And not later, she discovered that her most horrible assumption is close to be true. And that’s where she could connect the dots. She was shattered and her veins numb. She was weeping like a baby in a fenced room and every night she goes to sleep, her soul would cry out louder, that no one could hear. And eventually she turned out to be a silent speaker. There would be mouth to mouth communication but she would remain pin drop silent for any heart-to-heart ones.

She knew how it felt to be left alone in a crowd. So, she made sure no on else does. She made home in the undivided love and affection she found from the children in the slums, where she worked as a volunteer. They were her day and night. That’s a treasure she holds within herself. And that’s when she decided she would try best to make this world a lot kinder and more affectionate.

It is said and believed that love that one miss in their childhood is the one they keep seeking through their lifetime. The little girl no more longs for it. She made her mind calm, caressed her heart and consoled her soul. And by now, the little girl has already consumed the affection that was invisible.

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